"I am going to take care of everybody…Everybody’s going to be taken care of much better than they’re taken care of now.”
- Donald Trump – “60 Minutes” – March 7, 2017
It looks like neither the House bill nor the Senate bill will meet that standard or even come close. But fear not; the President has apparently been hard at work coming up with his own version of healthcare called Trumpcare. Look for these exciting new levels of coverage as described by Trump himself:
This is the very basic level but it is still truly fantastic, much better than anything available from that disaster called Obamacare. Get this: $0 premium per month, $0 deductible and you can file as many claims as you want. The one small glitch is that there’s no reimbursement for any drug, medical procedure, doctor visit or hospital stay.
In the great American tradition of self-reliance, the silver level coverage let’s you take charge of your own healthcare. For only $5 a month, you get unrestricted access to such medical self-diagnosing web sites as WebMD and MayoClinic.org plus bonus pharmaceutical sites like Drugs.com. You don’t need those overpaid, loser doctors. If you’ve got a computer and a mouse, you’re half way to a healthier you.
For only $10 a month, we provide you with the phone numbers of billionaires like Robert Mercer and the Koch brothers and you can call them up and hope that they’ll help you out with your medical expenses. Given the new tax breaks they’ll get from the proposed cuts to Medicaid, maybe they’ll kick in a few hundred dollars for your next surgery but don’t count on it. They didn’t get to be billionaires by giving money to losers like you.
This plan costs you $2,000 but it’s a one-time charge for lifetime coverage. What you get is an extensive home medical care package including a blood pressure monitor, a wall-mounted defibrillator, a wide variety of bandages, a beautiful Trump-branded first aid kit and a phone auto-dialer set to 911. You’ve got everything you need to keep you or your loved one alive until the EMTs arrive plus you can even pick up a few bucks on the side by ministering to your sick neighbors. (N. B. – no ambulance or hospital admission fee included.)
A single, inflation-protected fee of $299 gets you our highest level of coverage. That amount guarantees you a one-way bus fare from your home anywhere in the continental United States to the closest Canadian border crossing. Declare refugee status and say hello to all-inclusive, no-cost, single-payer medical coverage. Just say Donnie sent you. (Residents of Hawaii can pay $799 for similar service by air.)