Thursday, September 21, 2017

Dear Computer Guy

An occasional consumer advice column for those in need of computer assistance:
Dear Computer Guy:
     I live in Washington, D. C. and for the last eight months I’ve been using Trump I as my operating system. Despite experiencing a number of problems, I’ve still been pleased with this OS due primarily to the various rebates and tax refunds promised. Should I stick with Trump I for the next few years?
                                                                                                              Wondering in Washington
Dear Wondering:
     Consider yourself lucky; you’re one of the few Trump I users who hasn’t been burned. What started out as a promising new OS earlier this year has turned into a bug-infested, error-prone system. The rollout of the heavily-promoted Repeal and Replace patch never occurred and the oft-touted Mexican Wall subroutine appears now to be a non-starter.   
     Recent defections from the company that makes this product suggest that it is definitely in decline. Among others, they’ve lost their National Security Advisor, Chief of Staff, Communications Director and Chief Strategist and rumor has it that more bodies are looking to jump ship.
     If you can squeeze a few more months of useful life out of Trump I, hang on for now. But if the company goes out of business, you may want to take a look at the Pence operating system as a potential temporary fix. In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you uninstall Twitter from any of your devices.
The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy:
     Many years ago, I purchased the Clinton word processing software package. It gave me reliable service for most of the nineties but I haven’t used it now for over fifteen years. I hear some folks talking about a new Clinton 2.0 version. Is it as good as the original?
Wordless in Seattle
Dear Wordless:
     That’s a tough question. First of all, let’s be clear. Clinton 2.0 is a completely different product from version 1.0. Basically, only the name is the same. Whereas, for its time, Clinton 1.0 had all the bells and whistles and lots of marketing pizazz, version 2.0 is definitely not as flashy although undoubtedly more stable.
     Some beta testers in New York said they liked the trial version of Clinton 2.0 that was offered in their state during the previous decade although they were apparently less impressed with the recent upgrade called Secretary of State. Still others have questioned the reliability of the software package’s technical support. Some users have reported a repeated failure by the company to admit past programming and e-mail errors and to rectify clearly faulty positions.
     On the other hand, it appears that purchasers of Clinton 2.0 will still have access to version 1.0 as well. However, since it’s still not clear whether the two versions are even compatible, it may be wise to hold off and check for the availability of the new Sanders software package or any one of a number of other younger progressive options currently in development.
The Computer Guy

Dear Computer Guy:
     I’ve been having trouble with viruses, spam and pop-ups in my e-mail. No matter how many anti-virus packages I employ, I still get hit with a full in-box and some nasty, nasty bugs like trumpjr17, jkushner101 and russiagate99. What steps can I take to protect myself?
Vulnerable in Virginia
Dear Vulnerable:
     I sympathize with your situation. It seems that ever since 2015, there has been a rapid increase in these types of computer bugs. At present, dozens of varieties have been identified with more reported to be on the way including the very powerful putinspy01 virus. The good news is that all of these bugs work only on computers using the Trump I operating system and, once it is taken off the market, the virus problem should quickly disappear.
     If you can’t wait that long, there are certain measures you can take to immediately secure your PC or laptop including two off-the-shelf fixes called Impeachment and Amendment25. Unfortunately, neither item is currently available in stores.
The Computer Guy

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Ted's Excellent Porn Adventure

"Cruz has watched porn on the Internet at least once, regardless of what happened on his Twitter account Monday night. He said so in his book “A Time for Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America.”

-        The Washington Post – September 13, 2017

     Recently, Ted Cruz’s Twitter account featured a link to a two-minute clip from a porn video. Senator Cruz explained that it was all due to a staffing issue but apparently he had drafted the following detailed explanation which was never released:
     First of all, I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not watch pornography on-line. I am an intelligent man and, if I was to engage in this seamy type of activity, I would have enough sense to restrict my porn viewing to off-line sources such as racy silent films and naughty French postcards.
     Yet even if I had that option, I would not intentionally view pornography in any form or medium. There is, of course, the possibility that I might accidentally watch such material if, for example, someone gave me a video entitled “Behind The White House Door”, “Deep Throat’s Favorite Parking Space” or “SCOTUS v. SCROTUM: The Supreme Court Bangs Out Another Decision.” It’s only natural that I would assume such a video was an educational political documentary requiring careful viewing right to the end or at least to the climax.
     As I have previously noted, I did watch pornography as a 26-year-old Supreme Court law clerk doing research for some of the justices. I guarantee you that I did not enjoy it; it was simply part of my job and nothing more. The fact that I may have taken some videotapes home for viewing is evidence only of the long hours a law clerk must put in and not my personal preference.
     As for the two-minute lewd video clip linked to my Twitter account, I have not repeatedly viewed it and, for the most part, I condemn it. Its only redeeming feature is that it involves a stepmother, her stepdaughter and the stepdaughter’s young male friend and thus could arguably qualify as being “family friendly.”
     Needless to say, I am enraged, if not engorged, by the subsequent misuse of my name in recent pornographic offerings. It’s one thing to be featured in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Sex Adventures”; it’s quite another to be associated with “Forest Hump: Ted’s Cruising Days.”
     Perhaps the most egregious example of the sexual exploitation of my good name is the recent release “Corporal Ted of the Royal Canadian Mounting Police.” This licentious film apparently features a Ted Cruz-like character and several horses engaged in what can only be described as unnatural acts, even for me.
     All of this has stiffened my resolve to fight this wave of libelous smut. It should come as no surprise that I intend to thrust myself into the public arena and erect whatever barriers I can to protect my until now unblemished sexual reputation.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Pardon Me

     Donald Trump’s recent pardon of Sherriff Joe Arpaio has generated a lot of criticism, many commentators saying that the President has abused his pardon power. Others have noted that the ad hoc nature of that pardon underscores the organizational chaos in the current White House’s decision-making process.
     As for that latter point, Americans should rest easy; inside sources have indicated that President Trump’s pardon-granting procedure is anything but disorganized and, in fact, is governed by a sophisticated application process. The following leaked pardon application form seems to confirm that observation:
OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE PARDON APPLICATION FORM
NAME:
ADDRESS:
RACE:  
GENDER:
POLITICAL AFFILIATION:
NET WORTH:
(Please note that the White House is an equal opportunity pardoner and will consider applications from many sides. However, transgender individuals and DACA enrollees need not apply.)
Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability:
1.     Are you an FOD or friend of Donald? As an FOD, can you convincingly disavow any such friendship if necessary?
2.    How much did you contribute to the Trump presidential campaign? If less than six figures, you may be required to provide written evidence of your claimed FOD status.
3.     If you are a Trump family member, you will automatically qualify for a pardon unless your given name is Tiffany or Ivana. If your given name is Donald or Donald, Jr. you can receive unlimited pardons as required.
4.     Any application in the name of Hillary Clinton is null and void.
5.     Please describe the nature of your crime, possible crime or intended crime. Preference will be given to those committing, having committed or intending to commit fraud, tax evasion or treason or those engaging in so-called conflicts of interest.
6.    Are you Russian or do you know any Russians? Have you ever been to Russia? Can you make a Black Russian?
7.     Do you know how to “Take the Fifth”?
8.    How many times have you stayed at a Trump hotel or played on a Trump golf course? Please attach copies of eligible invoices.
9.     Would you like to make a contribution to the President’s 2020 reelection campaign? How much? We accept cash, checks, major credit cards and PayPal although, as the President often says, “cash is king.”
10.    Any applicant having the surname Icahn, Koch or Murdoch will be granted an automatic blanket pardon so long as his application is accompanied by a statement acknowledging Donald Trump’s superior business acumen.


(N.B. - If you are a White House turkey and it is Thanksgiving, you will automatically be pardoned. Please note that, despite all contrary indications, Steve Bannon does not qualify.)     

Saturday, September 09, 2017

The New Trump Supporters


   The New York Times recently initiated a search to find Trump voters who no longer support the President. They’re asking such folks to self-identify and give their reasons for doing a one-eighty on The Donald.
     Well isn’t that just typical of the fake news? All The Times cares to do is identify Trump traitors; they don’t care to look for those voters who didn’t vote for Trump but now support him. Voters like:
David Butler of Skokie, Illinois
     “Honestly, I wasn’t that crazy about Donald Trump in the beginning. Although I liked his idea of the Mexican border wall, for the most part I didn’t see his views really jiving with mine. That is, until last month when he came out with some tacit support for us white supremacists. He could have taken the easy road and condemned us and the neo-Nazis outright but he didn’t. As I see it, he sent a subtle message to me and my friends to hang in there and fight the good fight. Heck, I’m not asking him to secretly send us all a free white sheet but I do appreciate his efforts and you can now count me as a big Donald Trump fan.”
Arthur J. Harris III of New York City
     “I’ve been an investment banker almost my entire adult life so I was somewhat familiar with Donald Trump as a kind of clown-like figure on the New York City real estate development scene. He wasn’t the best of the lot but he probably wasn’t the worst either. Last year, I actually voted for Hillary Clinton because of all her Wall Street ties. But, honestly, I have to say that I’ve changed my mind completely. That Trump fellow has really impressed me with all his talk of repealing Obamacare and cutting taxes for folks like me. Some say his proposed measures are shortsighted and will only hurt the economy but all I know is that they’re sure as hell going to help my bottom line. MAGA is now my personal motto.”
Rick Fenster of Alexandria, Virginia
     “As a career member of the Secret Service, I generally try to remain politically neutral. After all, my job is to protect the President whoever he may be. But I have to say I’ve recently found a bit of motivation to throw my support behind Mr. Trump. Given all the trips he and his family make to Mar-a-Lago and other Trump properties, I’m earning overtime pay like crazy. I don’t know if Trump can make America great again but I know he’s sure going to make our backyard great again since I can now finally afford to put in that new deck and in-ground pool.”
Tex Lister of Nogales, Arizona
     “I’ve never been much of a political guy, at least until now. As for the last presidential election, I didn’t even vote. It just seemed like so much noise that I never got interested and, heck, I didn’t even register. But after the election, I had what my wife called an epiphany. I thought maybe that was a cancerous growth on my neck but it turns out it means I kind of saw the light for the first time. And that light is that my business in southern Arizona dealing in concrete, stones and wall-mounted solar panels is about to take off big time thanks to President Trump. If he proceeds with his plan for a Mexican border wall, I’m in line to get a whole lot of contracts. Trump supporter? You betcha!”
Kellyanne Conway of Washington, D. C.
     “I guess I don’t really count as someone who voted for Donald Trump and then changed her mind. After all, I’ve done quite well by the fellow if I do say so myself. On the other hand, if I’m being honest (and, heaven knows, I always try to be honest), I didn’t always care for the fellow. In fact, prior to him getting the Republican nomination, I actually worked for Ted Cruz and spent a lot of my time coming up with nasty insults to throw at Mr. Trump. But, hey, that’s all water under or over the bridge as they like to say in Houston and, at least for now, count me as one big enthusiastic Trump supporter unless, of course, somebody pulls a “Bannon” on me.” 

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

Lock Who Up?

     Donald Trump represents a number of firsts as a sitting U. S. president including the first one to be involved in a TV reality show. As you may have heard, President Trump continues to be the executive producer of the show The New Celebrity Apprentice. What you likely haven’t heard about are his other TV production plans including the following shows:

Twitter Wars
     Each week, President Trump will select three new Twitter opponents and challenge them to a social media duel. Be it Alec Baldwin, Rosie O’Donnell or the cast of Saturday Night Live, the Twitter war will continue until the victim surrenders or Trump moves on to a new perceived enemy.
Pay for Play
     Pay for Play breaks new ground as television’s first political game show. Filmed at Trump International Hotel in Washington, D. C., two panels of foreign diplomats and trade representatives will compete for prizes like preferential trade treatment, easy market access and tariff exemptions by booking rooms in Trump hotels, buying Trump-branded products and out-flattering the host, one Donald J. Trump.
Apocalypse Soon
     Loosely based on the film Apocalypse Now, this new weekly TV drama will follow the adventures of a fictional American president named Ronald K. Drumpf as he singlehandedly takes on everyone from ISIS to North Korea to Michael Moore. Given his amazing gut-centric decision-making abilities, President Drumpf needs no intelligence briefings from the CIA, FBI or NSA. As executive producer, it remains unclear if Donald Trump will also perform in the starring role although one thing is almost for certain: the show is unlikely to last the full four seasons contracted.
Meet the Supremes
     It looks like President Trump will not only produce but also host this new TV reality show. A dozen potential Supreme Court nominees will share a house and compete for a single seat on the nation’s highest bench. Competitions will include “Strengthening the Second Amendment”, “Ignoring the First Amendment” and “Antonin Scalia Impressions.”
Lock Who Up?
     Based on talent shows like The Voice and American Idol, Lock Who Up? features handpicked political, entertainment and media personalities competing to avoid indictment and possible imprisonment. Contestants will plead their case to avoid prosecution on national TV before a celebrity judging panel comprising Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich. Viewers across America then get to phone in their votes each week to see who will get locked up.
President Trump’s Christmas Special

     Like any good executive producer, Donald Trump has a new Christmas TV special in the works. Guests include Donald’s friends Steve Bannon, Anthony Scaramucci and General “Mad Dog” Mattis who will join him in declaring an end to the War on Christmas, repeatedly wishing everyone Merry Christmas and tracking down Muslims, Mexicans and liberals who won’t. The special also features the song stylings of the KKK Sisters (Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany and Katrina Pierson) as well as the Trump Family Singers who will reprise their hit song from the campaign: I’m Dreaming of a White America.

Friday, September 01, 2017

Canada's New Governor General: Donald Trump

    With every passing month, it is becoming more and more apparent that having Donald Trump in the White House is a problem or, as he might put it, a “huge problem.”
   Recently, he flunked the simplest presidential test by equating neo-Nazis and counter-protestors and failing to provide moral leadership to the country in a time of need. Shortly after that, he pardoned former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio without cause and thereby severely undermined America’s judiciary.
     Over the horizon, more troublesome events are already coming into view. Allegations of conflict of interest and outright corruption are surfacing surrounding billionaire corporate raider Carl Icahn in his former role as special advisor to the president. And the Mueller investigation grinds slowly on with the likelihood of more corruption and illegality being revealed.
     From where I sit in Canada, it looks like things can only end badly. It’s not likely that Trump will resign and, if impeachment becomes a serious possibility, I fear that he may foment a crisis or even start a war to distract Congress and the country.
     A year ago, I proposed a solution: make Trump America’s first monarch, King Donald I. More recently, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel made a similar suggestion.   
     As tempting as this option is, it’s not really that practical. After all, there is no royal structure in place in America and, even if there was, making Trump king could set a dangerous precedent. Plus, you’d still have him around as a giant annoyance.
     As a close friend and ally, I think Canada can help. Rather than make Donald Trump your king, we can offer a quasi-royal solution: make him Canada’s next governor general.
     Our governor general is the Queen’s representative in Canada and therefore has many of the trappings of royalty. He or she resides in Rideau Hall, a fancy estate in Ottawa, and occasionally gets to participate in events surrounded by pomp and ceremony like the opening of parliament and the Speech from the Throne.
     Although not as flashy as an actual monarch, the position of governor general should provide enough ego-gratifying flair and pizzazz to satisfy Mr. Trump. Plus, you’d be doing us a favor.
     First off, we’re right in the middle of appointing a new governor general but we’ve run into a bit of a mess. It turns out that the latest candidate, former Canadian astronaut Julie Payette, had an unrevealed criminal matter stemming from her divorce. Thus, her appointment is less than ideal and parachuting in Mr. Trump would alleviate us of that problem.
     And just so you don’t think that we’re doing all this just out of the goodness of our heart, there is something else in it for us: the maintenance of the North American Free Trade Agreement. That’s right; if Donald Trump leaves the White House for Rideau Hall, he’ll also be leaving behind his threats to junk NAFTA and we can get back to our normal, stable trade relations.
     So please give our offer some serious consideration. From my perspective, it’s a win-win solution. You get to solve the dysfunction in Washington and we get to solve our Julie Payette problem and retain NAFTA.
     And don’t worry about any negative consequences here in Canada. The position of governor general comes with few, if any, real powers and is basically ceremonial in nature.
     It might be galling to have to listen to Mr. Trump open a new bridge or shopping center or occasionally address parliament. But that’s a small price to pay to restore sanity to your country and avoid another world war.
     So, what do you say America? Rather than King Donald I, why not let us make your president our new governor general and we can all sleep better at night?

Monday, August 28, 2017

Trump's Expanded Cabinet

     It took awhile but President Donald Trump finally has a complete cabinet. Counting cabinet-level positions, there are 22 members including Vice President Mike Pence but it’s quickly looking like that may not be enough.
     This year’s events have shown that there are new areas of responsibility for President Trump and his team that had not previously been contemplated under previous administrations.
     First up will be the newly created post of Secretary of Crowd Size Estimation. The President’s press secretary was originally slated to cover what was assumed to be a minor responsibility. However, thanks to the biased and misleading crowd estimations provided by everyone from the FBI to various city police forces to almost all media outlets, it eventually became clear that a full-time secretary was required to oversee a new department comprising topnotch guesstimators and photo manipulators.
     Next in line for consideration is a cabinet-level post tentatively entitled White House Chief of Alternative Facts. Thanks to Kellyanne Conway’s incisive identification of this new category of reality, a small team of expert exaggerators and falsehood fabricators will work out of the West Wing to provide media outlets with all the necessary alternatives to so-called fact-based assertions.
     Serious consideration has also been given to creating the new cabinet position of Secretary of Late Night Humor Oversight. Given the cruel and malicious sketches appearing on certain live TV comedy shows, it was clear that steps had to be taken to rein in these insensitive, misguided and un-American attempts at political humor. The new secretary will oversee a staff of a dozen or more humor monitors who will make recommendations to the attorney general regarding possible legal action against these third-rate shows that nobody watches.
     Also planned is the new Office of Carnage and Pain to be headed by the cabinet-level position of Administrator of Apocalyptic Visioning. In view of the media’s biased insistence on reporting declines in unemployment and crime and increases in income and wealth, it has become necessary to have a countervailing research body to repeatedly point out all that is wrong with America including rusted-out factories, lawless inner cities and a depleted military. After all, you can’t make America great again until you have first identified it as a hopeless disaster.
     Tentative plans are also in the works to establish the Office of Non-conflict of Interest. Although the President has correctly pointed out that he is not subject to any conflict-of-interest laws, he nevertheless wishes to ensure the American people that he will, in any event, avoid any such situations. Since Mr. Trump has delegated the operation of his business empire to his two sons, who better to jointly head up this new office than Eric and Don, Jr. since they will be the best placed individuals to identify any potential conflicts.
     Finally, a new cabinet position dedicated to social media will soon be created. It has become apparent that, given his many responsibilities, President Trump will no longer be able to single-handedly tweet at his previous rate. Thus, a team of Washington-based trolls will be recruited, overseen by the Secretary of Executive Tweeting, to stand-in for him over the next three-and-a-half years. Late-night tweeting between the hours of 1 and 5 A.M. will remain the purview of Mr. Trump. 

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Zen And The Art Of Being The Donald


Herewith a selection of proverbs, koans and riddles from the recently discovered text Zen and the Art of Being The Donald:
 
“There is no such thing as a lie. The continued repetition of a falsehood eventually makes it true.”

“Watch and listen to the fox and his friends for they are the accurate reporters of truth.”

“Loyalty is a one-way street. Demand it from those around you but do not feel compelled to reciprocate.”

“Be careful to avoid repeating a word or phrase as some may see this as a tell indicative of untruthfulness.”

“Be cognizant of the difference between personal and corporate bankruptcy and use it to your full advantage.”

“If caught in a lie, simply add another, preferably a real whopper.”

“Remember that crowd size is nothing more than a rough estimate.”

“It is easier to insult than to answer the question.”

“Sticks and stones can break someone’s bones but names can truly hurt them.”

“A bush in the hand is worth exactly one grabbed pussy.”

“The one-eared man is king in the land of the tone deaf.”

“The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the individual you are cheating at the moment.”

“Whoever you are screwing over, dedicate yourself wholly to the task.”

“You are the most knowledgeable person in the universe.”

“When you remove something, burn it up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of your fingerprints.”

“Never fully reveal yourself or your tax returns.”

“When you reach the top, keep firing.”

“Order your steaks well done and your trusted friends rare.”

“To study Trumpism is to study me and me alone.”

“Beware the bearer of news for he and it are most likely fake.”

“Do not trust vote counts unless emanating from the Electoral College.”

“The menu is not the meal although the name can be the hotel.”

“Knowledge is unnecessary to rule.”

“Let your mind wander in the pure and simple, especially the simple.”

“Practice mindlessness until it becomes part of your daily life.”

“Be like the birds in the tree and tweet without thought.”

“Not thinking about anything is Zen. Not caring about anything is Trumpism.”

“No snowflake shall ever fall on the white house.”

“Listen to the sound of one hand shivving.”

“Do not seek the truth; only offer your opinions.”

“A government needs a liberal like a fish needs a bicycle.”

“If there is an alt-right there must also be an alt-left.”

“In the end, it’s all about me.”

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Trump's Promises Kept

     Donald Trump has been president for seven months now and some are wondering if he can ever make good on all of his campaign promises. But Mr. Trump is not backing away from his commitments. Seldom reliable sources have released the following transcript of a recent interview:
PromiseBuild a wall along the southern border
     Everyone says it can’t be done but it will be built and it will be great. In fact, it’s going to be the Great Wall of China. That’s right; I am such a great negotiator that I’m going to buy China’s wall at a bargain price.
     The Chinese are having some economic problems lately and are looking to help their bottom line. Their wall is hundreds of years old and has long ago been fully depreciated. Trust me; they don’t want it anymore.
     I’ll negotiate a fantastic price and, here’s the beautiful part, as part of the deal, I’ll get them to pay for dismantling the wall, transporting it and erecting it on the Mexican border.
     It’s going to be a beautiful wall and very, very effective. Look what it did for the Chinese for years, keeping out all those undocumented Mongol hordes.
     And the icing on the cake? Once the wall is up, it’s absolutely going to become a top tourist attraction and a huge revenue generator. And once you add in the new hotels and casinos, I predict it will pay for itself in three years.
PromiseBan all Muslim immigrants to the U. S. until we can figure out what’s going on
     Some so-called legal experts say such a ban is unconstitutional. Don’t know; don’t care. But it doesn’t matter since I’ve now seen all the top-secret security information and now I know what’s going on. So bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. That eliminates the need for the Muslim ban.
PromiseRepeal Obamacare and replace it with a more efficient and less expensive alternative
     We’ve got control of both houses of Congress so repealing Obamacare should have been a done deal by now. As for replacing it, I’ve got a brand new fantastic idea that I think is going to work bigly; it’s called Medicare.
     Ask your grandparents if they like their Medicare and I guarantee you they’ll say they love it. So what I’m suggesting is we just extend Medicare to cover everybody. It’s such a simple solution I bet even some of the Democrats in Congress will vote for it, except maybe those crazy old socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.
PromiseJail Hillary Clinton
     I was prepared to have her prosecuted and sent to Guantanamo Bay. But, as you know, no one has more respect for women than me. So I found a neat compromise to avoid breaking my promise.
     You may not know it but I made a little deal with Obama when I met with him at the White House back in January. I told him I’d keep a couple of things from Obamacare if he would pardon Hillary before January 20th which he secretly did. So now my hands are tied.
PromiseHave the country say Merry Christmas again
     This one’s easy; just do it through tax incentives.

     If you include a video clip of yourself saying “Merry Christmas” with your next tax return, you’ll get a $100 tax credit. Trust me; folks will be saying Merry Christmas all year long.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The National Automobile Rights Association

PRESS RELEASE
  We here at the National Automobile Rights Association condemn in the strongest possible terms the heinous actions of one disturbed individual in Charlottesville, Virginia who used his vehicle in the most irresponsible manner to cause death and mayhem. This incident is just the latest in a series of tragedies in which foreign and domestic terrorists have used vehicles as weapons to wreak havoc on an innocent population.
     While we are saddened by the latest tragedy, we must speak out against those dangerous voices who use such events as an excuse to call for more automobile regulation. Already we are hearing the calls from liberals, militant cyclists and mass transit advocates to ban cars altogether.
     For years, we here at the NARA have been advocating for fewer regulations on our nation’s roads and highways. It has often been a losing battle but we will not stop in our efforts to protect our citizens’ driving rights and freedoms and to roll back the decades of restrictive rules and regulations. After all, as we often say: “Cars don’t kill people; drivers kill people.”
     This nation has long suffered at the hands of small-minded bureaucrats who have added one regulation after another until our individual driving freedom has been almost totally suffocated. We say that enough is enough; it’s time to fight back, repeal all restrictive licensing and driving rules and regulations and liberate America’s drivers.
     It is time to eliminate the requirement to classify your vehicle by weight and class and to obtain a registration within that class. Given the excessive fees, this constitutes nothing more than taxation without representation.
     It is also time to get rid of the requirement to obtain a driver’s license. There should be no limitations by age or experience. Leave it to individuals and parents to decide when and where someone can drive. Keep the nanny state out of America’s carports and garages.
      Halt the efforts of leftwing do-gooders and repeal requirements for mechanical upkeep, safety inspections and emissions testing. We must also liberate our nation from the tyranny of parking meters, opposite street parking and parking tickets. The Founding Fathers had no such limitations and clearly did not intend that we have them either.
     Furthermore, let’s put a stop to the myriad of highway traffic laws that limit the right to drive to such an extent that it’s hardly a right anymore. Such silly and excessive restrictions as traffic signs and lights, driving at required speeds and driving on the right do nothing more than drain the joy and freedom from driving.
     If we could do away with government interference in the ownership and operation of motor vehicles, we could save billions of dollars annually and decrease incidents of terrorist vehicular homicide. If everyone had unrestrained use of a car, there would be far fewer successful attacks since when someone started racing towards a crowd, there would likely be a driver nearby who could ram the offending vehicle and thereby save countless lives.
     The National Automobile Rights Association will continue to fight against further restraints and limits on our driving freedoms but it is a daunting task. To aid us in our battle, we ask for your support in passing a new Constitutional Amendment to read as follows:
          “A well travelled road and highway system being necessary for free movement
          within and between the States, the right of the People to own and drive cars
          shall not be infringed.”

Give what you can and remember our guiding words: "You can have my vehicle when 

you pry the steering wheel from my cold, dead hands."

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Golfing With The Donald

     Donald Trump is off on a 17-day vacation at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course. It’s no surprise that the President’s favorite thing to do is to go golfing, especially on one of the many courses he owns. Thus, in order to get a better insight into the man, it might be useful to survey his views of some of his preferred links:
Trump National Golf Club, Washington, D.C.  
     “This is one of my favorite courses to play particularly since it’s so close to the White House and I can easily sneak away from those boring Cabinet meetings and fit in a quick nine. The course features beautiful views of the Potomac River and includes some very challenging holes. In particular, I have a hard time with No. 5, a 492-yard par 4. It’s not the length of the hole that troubles me; rather, it’s the nasty dogleg to the left. No matter what I do, I always seem to fade to the right.”
Trump International Golf Links, Aberdeen, Scotland
     “Everyone says this is the most fabulous golf course in Scotland. Well, almost everyone except for those nasty locals who tried to halt construction of this Trump masterpiece. Luckily, the amazing dunes and berms found throughout the course block the player’s view of these backwards yokels and ensure that your round is not spoiled by these crazy Scots. I call it my own personal Hadrian’s Wall. On the other hand, many of the holes have fantastic views of the coastline which are restricted to those like you and me who can afford the $300 greens fee.”
Trump National Golf Club, Mar-a-Lago, Florida
     “Although not the best course in my collection, I recently developed a soft spot in my heart for this layout mostly because I can fly there whenever I want and I don’t have to pay a cent. It’s all on the government’s dime, can you believe it? And the best part is I’ve got a whole contingent of Secret Service guys to track down any lost balls. Plus, they’re sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything when I shave the odd stroke or two from my score.”
Trump National, Los Angeles, California
     “I like this course a lot but I don’t visit very often because California is filled with millions of left wing losers and I don’t care to spend time with any of them. Still, it’s a nice course and I wish I could play it more often. Maybe when Congress finally passes the new healthcare legislation and I sign it into law, I can spend more time there since there will be fewer losers around to bother me. Plus, I do like meeting Hollywood celebrities because they fawn over me and let me grab them by the whatever.”
Trumpskaya International, St. Petersburg, Russia
     “Actually, if I’m being completely honest (which, of course, I always am), this one doesn’t exist yet; it’s still in the planning stages. My good friend Vladimir Putin gave me the go ahead last year but Jeff Sessions says it’s probably a good idea to hold off on starting construction until after all this silly Russia investigation nonsense goes away. I hope it happens real soon because I can’t wait to play it. Vlad says it’s going to be just like that one in Pyongyang, North Korea where Kim Jong Il scored a 38-under par on his first round ever with five holes-in-one but I’m sure I can do even better.”

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

West Wing Story: The Musical

    For some reason, the media seem to be obsessed with all of the recent changes to the current White House team. Sean Spicer and Reince Preibus are out and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Anthony Scaramucci are in. And now Scaramucci is out and General Kelly is in.
     What reporters and commentators don’t seem to realize is that any large-scale musical production will see frequent changes in cast members over the life of the show. And the current smash hit playing at the White House is no exception.
     West Wing Story is the tale of a star-crossed self-lover named Donald Trump and his ultimately unsuccessful and tragic attempt to marry his one true love: himself.
     The musical begins with a threatened showdown between two Washington, D. C. gangs: the Donkeys and the Pachyderms. The Pachyderms are in disarray and looking to boost their chances by enlisting Donald and changing their name to the Trumps.
     When you’re a Trump,
     You’re a Trump all the way
     From your first outright lie
     To your last lyin’ day.

     When you’re a Trump,
     If the stuff hits the fan,
     You got kids all around,
     You’re a family man.

     You’re never alone,
     Your loyalty’s expected.
     Except if you fail
     Then you’ll be disconnected.
     You won’t be protected.

     All seems well until Donald falls in love with himself and threatens to violate the truce between the Donkeys and the Pachyderms and bring the whole gang structure tumbling down. Donald sings:
     The Donald…
     The most fantastic sound I ever heard:
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word….
     The Donald, The Donald, The Donald, The Donald….
     The Donald!
     I’ve just met a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly that name
     Will never be the same
     To me.
     The Donald!
     I’ve just seen a guy named The Donald,
     And suddenly I’ve found
     How wonderful a sound
     Can be!
     The Donald!
     Say it loud and there’s lots of spinning,
     Say it louder and there’s plenty of winning.

     The Donald!
     I’ll never stop loving The Donald!

     The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
     The Donald.

     Meanwhile, the Donkeys struggle to recover from The Donald’s victory and regain the ethnic votes they recently lost:
     I like to be in America!
     OK by me in America!
     Healthcare be free in America
     No insurance fee in America!

     Immigrants can in America!
     Tax-the-rich plan in America!
     Bernie still ran in America!
     No Muslim ban in America!

     But the Donkeys are no match for the self-adoring Donald who, despite breaking all the rules, still appeals to vast swaths of the electorate:
     I feel pretty,
     Oh, so pretty,
     I feel pretty and witty and in style!
     And I pity
     Any guy who hasn’t got my guile.

     I feel brilliant
     Oh, so brilliant,
     It’s resilient how brilliant I feel!
     And so pretty
     That I can’t believe I’m such a big deal.

     See the handsome guy in that mirror there:
     Who can that fantastic guy be?
     Such a handsome face,
     Such a handsome suit,
     Such a handsome weave,
     Such a handsome me!

     I like running
     And winning,
     Feel like lying and speaking profane.
     For it’s all to
     Make America great again.

     In a tragic twist, however, Donald’s own outlandish self-regard destroys his standing within the ranks of the Pachyderms and he ultimately falls from grace but not before one last plaintive plea:
     There’s a place for me,
     Somewhere a place for me.
     Pomp and power and love so rare 
     Wait for me
     Somewhere.

     There’s a crown for me,
     Somehow a king to be.
     Gilded scepter and golden throne,
     Time to rule, just me alone
     Some day!

     There’s a place for me,
     A place in history.
     If for once I could shut my mouth
     Decrease my ceaseless tweeting enough.
     Somehow,
     Some day,
     Somewhere!