Sunday, November 09, 2014

The Congressman

                        With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.
            Luckily for TV producers, there is still one fertile field of TV reality endeavor that’s ripe for the plucking, namely politics as evidenced by these proposed reality shows soon to spring forth from the drawing board:
The Congressman
            It’s “The Bachelor” meets “Joe Millionaire” in this political romance show. One U.S. congressman is introduced to 25 lobbyists who compete to win his love and support. Each episode features “dates” and ends with a “check” ceremony where the lobbyists offer up envelopes to the congressman in hopes of buying his heart and vote. Unlike other reality dating shows, the congressman is not restricted to choosing just one lobbyist. If successful, look for the debut of “The Congresswoman” next season.
Big Brothers and Sisters
            Nine aging jurists are forced to work together in a courtroom from the first Monday in October until the end of June. Alternating between sittings and recesses, the three women and six men are faced with new dilemmas such as what color to paint the walls, what kind of lunch to order in or whether or not a corporation is a person. The courtmates publicly assert that their decisions are all strictly based on legal reasoning although after the lights go out, it’s clear that there’s more politics than law involved as evidenced by the plethora of 5-4 split decisions.
Block That Bill
            There are 435 contestants living in the House and 100 in the Senate in this bicameral reality show. One team, called the Democrats, is assigned the task of trying to get bills passed to become actual laws. The other team, called the Republicans, tries to block those bills by whatever means available. The Democrats rule the Senate except for the inconvenient fact that it takes 60% of the residents to get anything done. It doesn’t really matter anyway since almost nothing gets by the Republicans in the House. Sadly, the only real losers in this show are the American public.
This Old White House
            It’s an aging Palladian-style mansion located in the heart of Washington, D. C. The almost 200-year-old residence has been home to more than forty different men and all but one lived there for eight or fewer years. The show follows the day-to-day life of the current resident and his ongoing failed attempts at legislative renovation. Whether it’s immigration reform or socialized medicine, the house’s tenant just can’t seem to get any Washington contractors to cooperate to make the necessary changes.
Here Comes Johnny Boo-hoo

            This show follows the daily life of Speaker of the House John Boehner, America’s favorite keening congressman. When it comes to sentimentality, he’s the handiest man with a handkerchief. Whether it’s remembering his hardscrabble background, thinking about the disadvantaged or honoring Rosa Parks, Johnny Boo-hoo is the king of the Washington waterworks. Unfortunately, when it comes to actually voting to help any of these folks, it looks like John’s are the only dry eyes in the House. 

Sunday, November 02, 2014

The Republican Three-ring Circus

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome under the Republican big top and prepare to be entertained by the incredible performers of Boehner Brothers (formerly Hastert & Boehner), America’s premier political circus. 

Unlike other political circuses, we don’t just present one show at a time. We are a full, three-ring operation. That means no matter where you turn your head, there’s an amazing performance you just won’t be able to look away from.

Unfortunately, our regular ringmaster, Mr. John Boehner, could not be here as he is away on an extended ABO tour urging one and all to support “anyone but Obama.” However, as his political understudy, I, Kevin McCarthy, will host tonight’s festivities in the very same fashion with absolutely no added original thought or flourishes.

Now if you will turn your attention to the far ring on my right or what we have dubbed “The Congressional ring”, you will be wowed by several acrobatic feats. Watch as the amazing House Republicans introduce Obamacare defunding over and over again. Marvel as they repeatedly bring the nation to the brink of fiscal collapse. Be amazed and astounded at the mathematical magic of Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, who repeatedly turns forty per cent plus one into a majority.

To my left is “The Presidential wannabes ring” which doubles as the home of our circus’s clown contingent. Some of you are no doubt expecting to see our most famous presidential wannabes John McCain and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, neither of these clowns is with the circus anymore but I can guarantee you that our current cast of jesters is capable of just as many wild antics as their famous predecessors.

You’ll see all your favorite clowns like Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry. You may even be lucky enough to be entertained by the best of the best from recent years like Ted Cruz and Michelle Bachman.  

But that’s not all. Thanks to our world famous Republican clown college, there are always new graduates to entertain you. Keep your eyes open tonight for this season’s new prat-falling, seltzer-spraying buffoons like Jeb Bush and the “Amazin’ Pauls”: Paul Ryan and Rand Paul.

Finally, if you will look directly in front of me in the main circle, “The Republican donors ring”, you’ll be astounded by the taming abilities of our favorite bilious billionaires. Thanks to the assistance of five-ninths of the Supreme Court, you can now watch the likes of Sheldon Adelson and the Krazy Koch brothers tame the wildest presidential candidates making them eat right out of the palms of their hands.

We may not have dancing elephants or unicycle-riding bears but we have something even better: non-stop political shenanigans. If you thought politics was dull and unentertaining, you’re in for a delightful surprise as you’ll see astonishing things you’d never see anywhere outside Washington, D.C.

From sexual improprieties to overused filibusters, the Republican big top is sure to bring you ongoing, jaw-dropping entertainment unmatched in any jurisdiction west of Russia.

So, ladies and gentlemen, sit back and enjoy our three-ring circus. No matter where you look, you’ll be surprised, amazed and amused by the common sense-defying actions and antics of our team of unique performers.

You are indeed a fortunate audience as there is no guarantee that our circus can continue much longer. With this many no-net high wire acts, we may not last until the end of the year or even the end of the month. So sit back, open your eyes and be prepared to be astounded.