Barry And The Boys

Barry and the boys were sitting around the Oval Office trying to come up with an answer to the Ukraine crisis:

"Mr. President, we have to do something about Ukraine. We can't keep saying that there will be consequences. People are calling you a wimp."

"Let's be clear; I am not a wimp. There will be consequences if Russia does not respect the territorial integrity of Ukraine. Mark my words."

"That's what's been happening, Mr. President. Everyone's been marking your words and there's not a whole lot there."

"Well, let me be perfectly clear. The United States will not accept nor will we condone any incursion by a foreign power into the sovereign territory of another nation based solely on trumped up allegations of non‑existent security threats."

"Uh, Mr. President, what about Iraq?"

"Oh, damn! Thanks a lot George W. Bush."

"Anything else, Mr. President?"

"Well, let's see. How about the United States does not concede that there is any doctrine that Russia can invoke to curtail foreign influence in any country within its immediate sphere of influence?"

"You mean like the Monroe Doctrine?"

"Damn again!"

"There must be something we can do, Mr. President."

"Wait, wait, I've got it. There can be no acceptance of a political situation where a foreign power decides to intervene in the affairs of another country simply because one political faction in that country has toppled the ruling party and seeks an alliance with the foreign power's foes."

"Our invasion of the Dominican Republic in 1965?"

"Damn and double damn! Wait, I've got it. Our nation will not countenance a violation of international law whereby a nation invades another country simply to protect those of its own ethnicity."

"Ronald Reagan. Grenada. 1983. Had to rescue those American medical students. Remember?"

"Can't allow a foreign influence to take hold so close to our shores?"

"Cuba. Bay of Pigs. 1961."

"OK. What about a condemnation of a specious claim of manifest destiny to expand one's sovereignty to include contiguous territory?"

"Sounds like the Mexican War of 1845, Mr. President."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you guys are so smart, what's the answer?"

"Let them have Crimea and call it a day. They'll live to regret it. Remember Afghanistan and Georgia?"

"OK, let's do it."