Saturday, February 23, 2013

Joe Ratzinger's Diary

Joe Ratzinger’s diary

February 14, 2013
This has been the first St. Valentine’s Day I’ve enjoyed in decades. Got to sleep in and eat chocolates all day. No special cards to the cardinals and no outside scheduled obligations. Just a day to treat myself to a few indulgences of the secular kind.
February 18, 2013
Thanks to my buddy Cardinal Koch, I’ve finally got myself a canon situla or what some call a bucket list. Great idea! Thanks Kurt. Number one is to drive to Milan and pick up a pair of this year’s Gucci jeans. I’m so tired of dressing like a schlub. Once I get the jeans, number two is to go clubbing in Milan.  Number three is to upgrade my communion wine to a nice fruity Valpolicella.
February 23, 2013
Looks like I still have a few loose ends to tie up before I hand in my ring. Gotta appoint a few more cardinals. No problem there. Still lots of conservative guys hanging around that would love to move to Rome. The bigger dilemma is how to divvy up the other appointments. Best advice I got was to appoint two black bishops for every two white bishops. Sounds more like a chess match than a pontificate, if you ask me.
February 28, 2013
Wow, resignation day! What a relief. Not that being Pope hasn’t been fun at times what with the generous cassock allowance and unlimited mitre supply. But I just wasn’t feeling the love anymore. I guess I was violating my own seven-year rule - i.e. - you shouldn’t stay in one job longer than seven years. Anyway, today is the first day of the rest of my life and I can’t wait.
March 2, 2013
Loving this retirement thing but I figured I’d better check on my financial situation. Gotta make sure there’s enough in the pot to see me through to my nineties at least. I thought I was doing OK until I learned today from my financial advisor Anthony “Tony the Tiger” Barzini that everything I had was tied up in The Vatican Bank. Apparently the 1982 Banco Ambrosiano scandal took its toll on my retirement fund. Maybe I can make up a few million lira by selling my Popemobile.
March 10, 2013
Finally moved the last of my stuff out of my old apartment. I’ve got a nice condo with a view of St. Peter’s Square so I’ll be able to check when the white smoke finally comes out of the Sistine Chapel chimney.
March 17, 2013
Electing a pope on St. Patrick’s Day. I wonder if that’s ever been done before? Probably not. Just like we’ve never before had a black  South American  liberal as pope. Just kidding! It’s another old white European, of course.
March 29, 2013
I gotta say this is great. This is the first Good Friday I haven’t had to get all dressed up and greet the masses, not to mention perform some, too. I think I’m just going to sleep in, hibernate and stay in bed. Maybe I won’t even get up until the third day. Just a little papal humor there.
April 1, 2013
Did I really resign?  April Fool’s! See you back in the Basilica tomorrow. Just kidding. I’m done. The last thing I want to do is face another drafty winter in Rome. Maybe the new guy is looking to appoint a new Archbishop of Miami. Just saying.

Monday, February 04, 2013

Black & Black

“Conrad Black will soon be coming to a television near you. The former media baron has reached a deal with ZoomerMedia to host his own weekly, 60-minute current affairs talk show.”
- Canadian Press - Jan. 28, 2013

Black is back, as in Conrad Black. The Canadian press baron, British lord and convicted felon will soon be taking to the airwaves. If his new enterprise takes off, look for more shows featuring the bloviating baron. Shows like:
Lord Black & Friends
Lord Black of Cross Harbour hosts a weekly chat show from London featuring a different member of the House of Lords. Although no sitting member of that body has yet agreed to appear on the show, the producers are hopeful that Lord Black can find at least one friend abroad.
American Prison Tour
Capitalizing on his extensive knowledge of and experience with the American penal system, Conrad Black hosts this new dramatic series recreating his various prison stays. Black stars as himself in this hard-nosed examination of the shortcomings of various American prisons and Mr. Black’s courageous battles to reform them.
Black & Black
CBC Radio is planning to bring Arthur Black out of retirement to team up with his namesake. Arthur will revive his lighthearted look at Canadian life while Conrad berates and belittles his co-host and his taxpayer-funded network.
Tubby’s Tales of the Tape
TSN hopes to sign Canada’s favorite pontificator to host a boxing-related show. The plan is to not only have Mr. Black comment at length on some of the greatest boxing matches of all time but to also feature him in actual pugilistic contests with his favorite nemeses and adversaries including his former partner David Radler and BBC-TV host Jeremy Paxman.
Hockey Night in Canada
The television arm of the CBC apparently feels that color commentator Don Cherry has seen better days. Network execs are looking to replace the clothing-challenged Cherry with none other than Conrad Black. It’s hoped that Black’s outspoken polysyllabic rants will mesh nicely with the milquetoast observations of Ron MacLean to create an irresistible dynamic.
Barbara & Me
Several lifestyle cable channels are reportedly bidding for this new offering featuring Canada’s most flamboyant couple. Conrad Black and his wife Barbara Amiel will host a weekly tour of their various non-incarcerated homes.
The Baron’s Books
Promising to be an exciting if somewhat narrow book review show, “The Baron’s Books” features Conrad Black reviewing his favorite books. From “A Matter of Principle” to “Franklin Deleano Roosevelt: Champion of Freedom” to “Flight of the Eagle” to “Conrad Black”, the sesquipedalian scrivener promises to critically examine his own entire oeuvre.