Thursday, April 22, 2010

Cutting Up the Cash

"The U.S. House of Representatives on Friday approved a financial reform bill that would expose the Federal Reserve to more scrutiny, threatening its cherished political independence."
- Reuters - Dec. 11, 2009

Transcript of a recent secret meeting held in a conference room in the New York Fed Building attended by Fed Chairman Benny "The Bailout" Bernanke, Treasury Secretary Timmy "The TARP" Geithner, Interim N. Y. Fed Chair Denny "The Chair" Hughes and the heads of the other eleven Fed families:

"Hey, Benny. Whatsa matta wit you?"
"Whadda ya mean, Denny?"
"I mean we gotta good thing going here and you’re gonna screw it up."
"Nah, everything’s fine."
"No, Benny, it ain’t. Folks are starting to get suspicious. Dey see all dis money goin’ out but nobody’s gotta job."
"They just gotta be patient, that’s all."
"They ain’t got no more patience, Benny. And now they wanna look at da books."
"But we don’t got no books, Denny."
"Exactly. Dat was da beauty of this operation. Now whadda ya wanna us to do?"
"Maybe it don’t look so good right now but Timmy here’s gotta solution."
"OK, let’s hear it Timmy."
"Fellas, we got as much money as we want, see. We just print it downstairs in the basement like always. So I says we just run off an extra trillion greenbacks and we buy up some more troubled assets. That’ll make a whole bunch of mugs happy and dey’ll leave us alone."
"But Timmy, whadda we need with a bunch more troubled assets? We still can’t unload the last shipment we got."
"It don’t matter, Denny. We just keep ‘em all in storage. We still prints more money for us, see, and nobody’s the wiser."
"But dose jokers in Congress are talking about pulling the plug on our operation. Whadda we do about dem, Benny?"
"Look, dose guys like cash same as us. So long as we throw some extra bonus money in their campaign war chests, dey’ll back off, guaranteed."
"OK Benny, Timmy; we’s countin’ on youse guys to keep the cash flowing. We don’t need no audits or no stinkin’ regulations."
"Yeah, sure. Youse can count on us."

Friday, April 09, 2010

In The Hole


TO: The broadcast commentators
FROM: The President of CBS Sports

For the 55th straight year, CBS Sports will be broadcasting the Masters Golf Tournament. We are proud to maintain our ongoing relationship with the Augusta National Golf Club to bring the American viewing public this historic sporting event.

This year is special, of course, not only because it marks our 55th anniversary but also because it marks the return of Tiger Woods to the professional golf circuit. In order to minimize any awkwardness for Tiger and to maximize our viewing audience and advertising revenues, I am asking all of you to refrain from any deliberate or inadvertent golf-related metaphors or innuendos that might embarrass Mr. Woods, his family or our viewers.

To this end, please abide by the following guidelines:

(1) Avoid the words "out of bounds." There are lots of ways to say that Mr. Woods has mishit his shot. For example, you could say that he hooked it or sliced it or topped the ball or whatever. You can even say that he put his ball in the woods, a nice play on words. But don’t use the phrase "out of bounds" for obvious reasons.

(2) Don’t use "hazards, traps or bad lies." Even if Tiger’s shot doesn’t miss the fairway, he can still find himself in other difficult situations — on the course, that is. Best to avoid any reference to the particular lie and instead simply say that he will have a tough shot coming up.

(3) Be careful with club references. For example, at no time should you ever mention the shaft of Mr. Woods’s club. Same goes for the stiffness of the club. You can use the term "wood" but be cautious in doing so.

(4) Same goes for his putter. Never say "Tiger takes out his putter" or "Tiger plays with his putter" or any similar expression. Also please refrain from indicating how he is stroking a particular putt.

(5) Although Mr. Woods is noted for his long game and his multiple Major victories, please do not mention them during the Masters coverage. Viewers might take the references the wrong way.

If we can all remember these few simple guidelines, I believe we can maintain the prestigious TV coverage of the Masters that we have become known for. All in all, I think that’s a fair way to deal with the situation.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Rush Heads South

"If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica."
- Rush Limbaugh - March 8, 2010

Customs and Immigration - San Jose International Airport - March 31, 2015

"Welcome to Costa Rica, señor. May I have your passport? What is the purpose of your visit?"
"I want to immigrate to your country. I’ve had it with all that damned socialized medicine in the U. S. and that gang of pinkos in Washington."
"Well, Señor Limburger, I don’t want to disappoint you but this may not be the place for you."
"What are you talking about? Of course it’s the place for me. It’s warm like Florida and I understand you can get all kinds of heavy duty painkillers at the pharmacies without a prescription."
"Si, señor, but there are certain aspects of Costa Rica that you may not find to your liking."
"What’s not to like? Reasonably priced pharmaceuticals, great beaches and no Obama."
"Well, first of all we have no army."
"No army? What? Are you loco?"
"No Mr. Rush, we are not loco. We constitutionally abolished our army in 1949. We have no standing army."
"But that’s crazy. What if you’re attacked?"
"We have internal security forces, señor, and we sometimes even participate in foreign peacekeeping missions."
"Are you guys commies or something?"
"No, Mr. Lamborghini, we are a vibrant social democracy dedicated to the welfare of all of our citizens."
"Sounds like communism to me. Anyway, what else have you got?"
"We have state agencies that run many of our sectors like la electricidad and los bancos. Until last year, we even had a state monopoly on insurance and los telefonos."
"You guys are crazy. You must have revolutions and coups all the time."
"No, Mr. Limppaw, we are the longest running continuous democracy in Latin America. We have had free, open and non-controversial elections for over sixty years. I’m not sure even los Estados Unidos can claim that."
"Now them’s fighting words, Pablo."
"Mr. Roosh, my name is not Pablo and I’m only stating the facts so you won’t be disappointed if you decide to live here. For example, I sense that you may not be too happy to know that we are the greenest country in the world?"
"Greenies? That’s just nuts. Don’t tell me you’ve also got socialized medicine or something crazy like that?"
"Señor Rhumba, I hesitate to tell you that such is the case. We have universal healthcare and it only costs a fraction of what it does in your country."
"OK, pal, that’s the last straw. When’s the next flight to Colombia?"
"Very soon, señor, very soon."