Nightmare On Elm Street

The events of the last few weeks have centered the nation’s attention on America’s two favorite streets: Wall Street and Main Street. But what of the hundreds of other deserving thoroughfares? How are they coping with the current financial crisis?

Reached at his home in suburbia, Elm Street expressed both dismay and anger. "It’s been a real nightmare," said the horrified avenue. "All I hear is Wall Street, Main Street, Wall Street, Main Street. You know, I have my needs as well."

Elm’s friends were also perturbed by all the economic upheaval. Oak, Maple, Birch, Pine, Spruce and Cedar Streets could not be reached for comment but they have reportedly put aside their longstanding deciduous-coniferous rivalry to fight the Wall Street-Main Street alliance.

Perhaps the roadway hardest hit by recent events is Easy Street. "Sure, everyone thinks I’ve got it made," said the once-prosperous byway. "But now that all those fat cat bankers are out of work, people are moving out like crazy."

Lost in all the hubbub about Wall Street is the effect the downturn has had on Market Street. "Yes, it’s true, I don’t have all those big fancy highrise towers," said the downtown thoroughfare. "But with all my vendors and retail storefronts, I’m just as important to the economy. But no one seems to care about me."

Despite the devastating effects of the financial turmoil on most, one roadway seems to be almost completely unaffected. Contacted earlier today, Tin Pan Alley couldn’t have been happier.

"Whatever the state of the economy, people gotta sing," said the song writing street. "In fact, when times are bad, that’s when things look up for me. Think of all those fabulous ditties that came out of the Great Depression."

Some avenues are unsure about how the financial troubles will affect them. Electric Avenue, for one, is a little shaky.

"At first blush, I didn’t think this mess would change me," said the brightly lit boulevard. "But the more I think of it, the more I worry. If the price of oil goes up then the price of electricity goes up and then there’s a risk I go dark and lose my boogaloo."

Penny Lane, too, is on shaky ground. "All this talk of recession gets to me," said Ms. Lane. "It’s in my ears and in my eyes. I get so upset, I sometimes even forget about my blue suburban skies."

For some highways and byways, the banking crisis will make little, if any, difference. "Man, it just doesn’t matter," said Desolation Row. "I’ve been down so long it looks like up to me."
"Let’s face it; if it wasn’t for bad luck," said Mr. Row. "I wouldn’t have no luck at all."