Wednesday, May 31, 2006

My Friend George

Dear George,

I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.

Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.

I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?

You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?

And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.

It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.

I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?

Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.

Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.

And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.

How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.

And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.

One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.

If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.

Your friend,


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Politically Incorrect Weekend

It’s hard being a good liberal these days. Between buying the right coffee and driving the right vehicle, being politically correct has never been so difficult.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.

We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.

After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.

And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.

After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.

And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.

Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.

Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.

After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.

Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.

As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.

When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?

Monday, May 29, 2006

The New Hitler

The rash of recent Hitler comparisons has caused descendants of the Fuhrer to launch a public campaign to protect the memory of the late dictator.

"He was an evil megalomaniac of the first order," said family spokesperson Larry Hitler of Berlin, Ohio. "It’s unfair to keep comparing the Bush Administration to one of the most ruthless regimes of all time."

Larry, who is Adolph’s third cousin twice removed, said that a number of distant Hitler relatives recently decided that enough was enough.

"We couldn’t stand by and see Adolph’s sterling reputation for evil besmirched by a second rate gang of pretenders," said Larry. "I read about Adolph Hitler, I’m related to Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush is no Adolph Hitler."

Asked to comment on recent Hitler comparisons concerning excesses at Guantanamo Bay and the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, the Berlin resident sighed and dismissed the charges as laughable.

"The Bush Administration has killed a few prisoners and tortured what - maybe a few thousand more?" said Mr. Hitler. "That’s not bad but it hardly compares to the millions my cousin killed."

Asked for his view on the Iraq War, Mr. Hitler was equally curt.

"The unilateral invasion of one or two nations is hardly reason to rank Mr. Bush with the leader of the Third Reich," said Mr. Hitler. "Remember, we’re talking about a guy who unilaterally invaded half a dozen different countries. When and if Mr. Bush invades Syria, Iran and North Korea, maybe we can start talking ‘new Hitler’ but not until then."

Similarly, the Bush Administration’s profiling and harassment of Muslims both at home and abroad falls far short of the Hitler gold standard according to the family spokesman.

"It’s a start," said Mr. Hitler. "And I have to hand it to Mr. Bush for his crusade reference, his religious fundamentalism and his suspension of civil liberties. But he’s got a long way to go before he deserves comparison with the master of genocide."

And when it comes to desolation and destruction, Mr. Hitler says that Mr. Bush can’t hold a candle to his much-maligned cousin.

"Thanks to his grandiose plans and schemes, Adolph left Germany in ruins," said Larry. "Mr. Bush has only brought America to the brink of financial insolvency. That’s hardly apocalyptic."

Comparisons to Hitler henchmen like Joseph Goebbels also get Hitler family members riled.

"Remember, Goebbels was the master of the big lie," said Larry Hitler. "The best that can be said about the efforts of folks like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney is that they qualify as medium lies. When less than half of the American public still believes in weapons of mass destruction and an Osama-Saddam connection, it’s insulting to put such fabrications in the same league as Joseph’s whoppers."

Larry Hitler says he hopes calmer heads will prevail and that the recent spate of Hitler analogies can be stopped now.

"Unless and until Mr. Bush achieves his true potential," said Mr. Hitler. "I just don’t think comparing him to Adolph is fair to anybody. I’m not saying he couldn’t be the next Hitler but let’s not jump the gun."

Hitler family members have apparently not ruled out taking their grievances to the U. S. Supreme Court which they are confident would grant them the relief they seek.

"Let’s face it," said Larry Hitler. "So long as we have a judiciary that protects private property from business needs and won’t interfere in free elections, we’re a long way yet from a truly fascist state."

Friday, May 26, 2006

You Might Be A Republican

With apologies to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a Republican if.....

You think unilateralism is a complete foreign policy.

You like to dress up in military pilot’s gear and declare the end of major hostilities.

You consider "liberal" to be a four-letter word.

The phrase "compassionate conservative" doesn’t make you laugh.

You prefer to let Vice Presidents choose themselves.

You own more than one SUV.

You believe global warming is a communist plot.

You think Fox News really is fair and balanced.

You believe Ronald Reagan singlehandedly ended the Cold War.

You feel sorry for Martha Stewart and Ken Lay.

Going to war with no legitimate reason is OK with you.

You think tax cuts should only be for the rich.

You believe intellectual curiosity is a political handicap.

You think "chillin" is what martinis do in the fridge.

You prefer service-avoiding flyboys to decorated Vietnam war heros.

You consider "weapons of mass destruction-related activities" to be a meaningful expression.

You believe the social security surplus is a slush fund.

You’d like to see affirmative action restricted to legacy admissions to Ivy League schools.

You think Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are first cousins.

You believe massive deficit spending makes for sound economic policy.

You hate anyone with the last name Clinton.

You think timely SEC filings of insider trading transactions are for losers.

You wish all Presidential elections could be decided by the Supreme Court.

The words "I’m sorry" are not in your vocabulary.

You believe God is an American.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Bush Model 2004

This one is from the 2004 election:

The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.

You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.

Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.

So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.

Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.

Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.

Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.

We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.

We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.

We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Just Kidding

Press Release - April 1, 2006

President Bush today announced what he called a "clean start" for the remainder of his second term.

"I recognize that there have been a few problems with my administration," said the President. "And I want to take this opportunity to set things right."

First, President Bush admitted that the Iraq War was entered into under false pretences and has been what he now calls a "huge mistake."

"There were no weapons of mass destruction, no yellowcake uranium and no connections with al Qaeda," said President Bush. "And nobody greeted us in Baghdad with open arms and flowers."

In keeping with this reevaluation of the record, the President has agreed to accept the resignations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

"They both screwed up big time," said the President. "And the honorable thing for them to do is resign."

President Bush today also addressed the problem of the national debt and outlined a course of action to turn the nation’s finances around.

"We’re in debt up to our ears," said the President. "And, frankly, it’s mostly my fault."

Effective immediately, all tax cuts for the wealthy are rescinded. Troop withdrawals from Iraq will begin this week with resulting significant cuts in military expenditures. And, beginning today, there will be no more no-bid contracts for companies like Bechtel and Haliburton.

President Bush also acknowledged mistakes and errors in judgment on a number of other issues.

"Hurricane Katrina. What can I say?", said the President. "We underfunded FEMA and cut back on levee construction. Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job but, then again, neither did I."

"I’d also like to apologize for the prescription drug benefit plan," said the President. "Not only did we make it impossible to figure out, we also deliberately structured it to benefit our friends in the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries. Starting today, we’re going to make that right."

President Bush graciously conceded that his administration has not only exploited the American middle class but has been an abject failure. From prisoner abuse to unauthorized wiretapping, the President admitted that almost nothing has gone right.

"I hope the American people can overlook my shortcomings and have it in their hearts to forgive me," said the President. "Given my sad record, I intend to resign immediately."

The President concluded his remarks with the curt admonition: "April Fool!"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Cheney Notes

Vice President Dick Cheney made handwritten notations on a July 2003 newspaper column that indicate he was focused on a critic of the administration's Iraq policy, according to a court filing in the C.I.A. leak case.....In neat writing above the text of the column, prosecutors say, Mr. Cheney wrote: "Have they done this sort of thing before? Send an Amb. to answer a question? Do we ordinarily send people out pro bono to work for us? Or did his wife send him on a junket?"
- New York Times - May 13, 2006

Dick Cheney’s handwritten notations on the op-ed piece by former Ambassador Joseph Wilson were apparently not the only such notes made by the Vice President.

Takeout menu from local Chinese food restaurant

Why are there so many choices? Is the asterisk designation for "spicy" really a secret code? Why can’t you get a combo for one? Isn’t five miles an arbitrary restriction for free delivery?

Receipt for dry cleaning

Have we used this service before? Why must I specifically request starch for the collars? Isn’t that a given? Why is there no "five-item" special? Should we investigate?

Manhattan telephone directory

Is it necessary to have this many names in one book? Why are they ordered alphabetically? How come there are so many ethnic-sounding names? Can we put a wiretap on the numbers I’ve highlighted?

TV Guide

Why do they list channels other than FOX? Where are all the John Wayne movies? Is there any way to get 24-7 coverage of good news in Iraq? How can they give four stars to that turkey of a movie "Wag The Dog"?

CIA memo on no WMD

Did Rumsfeld see this yet? Where’s a paper shredder when you need one? Can we keep this from W? Is Porter Goss available?

The Da Vinci Code

Did Da Vinci ever visit Iraq? Are our guys aware of this code? Can we hire one of those albinos from Opus Dei? Has anyone talked to Dan Brown to see if he wants to be the White House speech writer?

Matchbook from the Watergate Hotel

Is this the place the Plumbers broke into? What were they thinking of? Who needs to burglarize to get secret information? Didn’t they have unauthorized wiretaps back then?

Presidential signing statement

Is this a great idea or what? How can we lose when the president opts out from the application of a law? Do you think W actually reads these things? When can we get rid of Congress for good?

Monday, May 22, 2006

Climate Change for Fun and Profit

Dear Subscriber:

Hope you’re enjoying double-digit returns from the stock picks in last month’s special "Make the Iraq War Work For You" newsletter. For those looking to do some long term investing, check out this month’s edition:

How to profit from global warming

* Invest in companies specializing in ice cream, air conditioning and sunglasses.
* Calculate how high the oceans will rise in order to determine which bargain inland real estate will become the next hot coastal properties. Buy now to ensure your grandchildren’s future.
* Invest heavily in levee and dike construction along the eastern seaboard, particularly in the New York City area.
* Book tickets now for future underwater tours of historic New Orleans.
* Buy or lease an extra SUV. Ensure that your vehicles have the lowest gasoline mileage and the highest emissions ratings. Do what you can to increase CO2 levels in the atmosphere in order to assist your financial planning and bolster your portfolio’s returns.
* Investigate what major insurance companies are planning for and follow suit.
* Check projected hurricane and tornado patterns for the coming decades and invest in regional demolition and construction companies.
* Buy shares in Halliburton.
* Buy future farmland in northern Canada for pennies on the dollar.
* Scope out possible sites for new desert spas in Iowa and Nebraska. Invest heavily.
* Post used ski equipment on eBay.
* Stock up on sunblock.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Great Bushini

Program note for an upcoming lifetime achievement award presentation hosted by the Association of Illusionists and Magicians:

AIM takes great pleasure in presenting its highest honor to America’s foremost magician and illusionist - The Great Bushini. For the past five years, under the management of Karl Rove and White House Productions, The Great Bushini has performed some of the most amazing magic tricks in the history of American political legerdemain. Some even say that he has achieved the golden standard of political prestidigitation by fooling most of the people all of the time.

The Great Bushini had achieved some regional notoriety in the state of Texas in the late 1990s. However, he first achieved national fame in the fall of 2000 with an astonishing sleight of hand. In full view of the national media, Bushini was able to turn a half million vote deficit into a presidential victory using only his brother and five members of the Supreme Court. To this day, most Americans have no idea how he performed this remarkable feat.

But that was only the beginning for America’s Conjurer in Chief. By the next year, he was performing never before seen number tricks that left his audiences gasping in disbelief. Perhaps his most awe-inspiring numerical stunt was to turn a $300 billion surplus into a $450 billion deficit using only rhetoric and selective tax cuts for the wealthy.

Some say Bushini’s greatest illusion occurred in 2003. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he was able to convince most Americans of the existence of terrorist links and weapons of mass destruction that were never there. Certain observers suspect that Bushini is also a master hypnotist since even today some Americans still believe those links and weapons exist.

That spectacular performance was followed by an even greater magical feat. Landing on an aircraft carrier in full flight uniform, The Great Bushini spoke the magic words "mission accomplished" and made a war disappear. People still marvel at how he instantly transformed a state of war into a mere ongoing insurgency even though superficially it looked as if nothing had really changed.

Today Bushini is still confounding and confusing audiences from coast to coast. Last year, despite seeming impossible odds, he was once again able to pull another presidential victory out of an electoral hat.

While it is true that The Great Bushini is getting older and his reflexes are waning, he continues to work his magic. For example, even though some members of Congress had secured Social Security in a lockbox, Bushini was somehow able to release it and open it up for debate.

His subsequent failed attempt to make Social Security disappear does little to tarnish his magical reputation. Although some say that this latest trick cannot be done, those who have followed The Great Bushini’s career know that nothing is impossible for America’s greatest conjurer.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

TomKat Security Advisory System

As a public service to unsuspecting members of the public, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Department of Homeland Security have jointly issued the following color-coded TomKat Security Advisory System:


All clear. Neither Tom Cruise nor Katie Holmes is in North America and their last movie releases have gone to video. Feel free to channel surf without fear of unexpected TomKat attacks.


Caution. Either Tom or Katie is currently in the continental United States. Be prepared for a surprise, love-professing appearance on any or all network morning shows or an unexpected public lecture on love, faith and psychology.


Elevated risk. Both Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes have been spotted in the U. S. although not together. Chance of radio, television or newspaper encounter is significant. Taylor-Burton Public Shame Index is between 4.0 and 6.0 or moderate.


High alert. Cruise and Holmes have been seen together in either New York City or Los Angeles. Incidents of proclamations of enduring love on the increase. Irate pronouncements on pseudo-psychological disorders peak. Taylor-Burton PSI exceeds 6.0. Avoid all talk shows until Security Advisory System alarm tone stops sounding.


Severe crisis. TomKat spotted everywhere. Multiple TV appearances, sequential movie premieres and widespread front page coverage in print media. Love craziness and religious conversions reign supreme. Taylor-Burton PSI off the chart and strong possibility of impending, extremely tacky celebrity wedding. Stay inside, duct tape all electronic appliances and wait for all-clear signal.


Doomsday warning. Top three grossing movies star one or both of Cruise and Holmes. "Mission Impossible IV" and "Mission Impossible V" slated for simultaneous release. Silent birthing produces one or more babies with buggy-like name (Buckboard? Carriage? Surrey?). Even Liz Taylor says this is too much. Duck, cover and prepare to be carried away by a Thetan Seven or possibly even a Thetan Eight.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Rhythm and Blues Method

The Roman Catholic Church is reportedly considering softening its position on birth control. If the following draft brochure leaked by the Vatican is any indication, a limited positive decision could be issuing soon:

Looking for ethical methods of birth control? Unsure of what’s sinful and what’s not? Worry no more with the following selection of devices and methods straight from the Church of Rome:

The Wholly Condom

This Vatican-approved prophylactic has 99 tiny, microscopically-inserted holes to lower, but not defeat, the odds of conception. Like playing the craps table at Vegas, you’ll be shouting "7 come 11" when you use the Church’s specially-designed Wholly Condom. Also marketed as the Half-safe®.

The Cervical Mitre

Barrier methods are now OK but only those that receive the Good Shepherd’s seal of approval. In the case of entry-blocking devices, our number one choice is the cervical mitre. Works just like the cervical cap except for the mitre-like protrusions and projections. You can now have conception-free sex so long as it’s painful and you don’t enjoy it.

Freedom Foam

The Church has recently developed the first non-spermicidal birth control foam. When used, Freedom Foam coalesces into a gelatine-like substance to make it difficult, if not impossible, for any little seeds to be planted in your garden. Rest easy knowing that if you do get pregnant, it was from a very strong, durable and determined swimmer. Comes in a rainbow of sensuous colors.

A Good Habit

The Church cannot, of course, sanction oral contraceptives or any spermicidal foams or jellies. But if you’re not comfortable with our newly-sanctioned barrier methods, you may want to consider this surefire bedroom passion killer. If your husband has ardor in his eyes, just put on this special papal-approved, floor-length, old-style nun’s habit complete with rosary and black-rimmed glasses. Guaranteed to extinguish even the lustiest male desires.

Rhythm and Blues Method

The Church has always given the green light to the tried and occasionally true rhythm method. Now there’s a new, more effective version: the rhythm and blues method. Chart your monthly cycle and your partner’s weekly libido pattern. Only schedule sexual relations when your fertility level and his desire level are at their lowest. Usually occurs on the last Monday before payday.


Here’s our favorite Church-approved barrier method. Constructed like a diaphragm except with a special cheesecloth membrane on the bottom. Give your partner’s boys at least a fighting chance and leave the rest to God. Comes with an instruction manual and a handy, pocket-sized prayer book.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Colbert Redux

Occasionally I'll throw in a serious piece like the following:

Stephen Colbert has legs and so, too, apparently does the story about his performance at this year’s White House correspondents’ dinner.

For those who missed it, Mr. Colbert stayed in character as the Bill O’Reilly-type host of his Comedy Central satirical show "The Colbert Report." As a fictional right-wing commentator, Mr. Colbert appeared to support the guest of honor, President Bush, while all the time wickedly lampooning him for everything from his intellectually incurious nature to the Iraq War.

I thought it was not only a funny performance; I considered Mr. Colbert courageous to play the clever, critical jester in the court of King George, even taking a few shots at the lapdog nature of the White House press corps.

But not everyone agreed with that assessment. Not surprisingly, most of the finger-waggers were members of the very same media who had gotten all dolled up for their annual lovefest with the president.

Chief among the tut-tutting scribes was liberal columnist Richard Cohen of "The Washington Post." Rather than celebrate the fact that Mr. Colbert was doing the job that the media had foregone, Mr. Cohen lambasted him for being unfunny and a bully.

Some observers were perhaps surprised by such a strong reaction from one who has made his living the last five years criticizing the Bush Administration. I must admit that I, too, was initially caught off guard by such a strident attack.

But on further reflection, it was really no surprise at all. Mr. Cohen is part of the Washington media establishment that depends for its existence and livelihood on the maintenance of a cordial symbiotic relationship with the government of the day.

After his column ran, Mr. Cohen received thousands of nasty e-mails challenging his position. He was genuinely surprised at the extent of the angry reaction and, in a subsequent column, sought to characterize it as the misguided digital lynching of an earnest liberal by a shortsighted left-wing mob.

Mr. Cohen's surprise at the emotional reaction of the blogosphere simply underscores the fact that he has to get out of Washington more often. I doubt that most of his e-mail critics viewed him as a dyed-in-the-wool Bush supporter. Rather, I suspect that they were simply upset with the cozy relationship between the President and the press that was on display at the correspondents’ dinner.

The typical extra-D. C. reader likely doesn't understand the gentlemen's agreement that inside-the-Beltway types abide by when they attend that dinner. They probably don't understand how the press can be so chummy with an administration that is doing so much harm.

What to Mr. Cohen seems like a question of good manners is to them a matter of utmost gravity. They don’t understand the inside view: Mr. Colbert didn't play by the unstated rules and thereby threatened the elitist underpinnings of the Washington establishment.

Some commentators like Dante Chinni of "The Christian Science Monitor" have suggested that the annual dinner should be eliminated and I think that's a good idea. If your job is to investigate and expose shortcomings and corruption in government, then you shouldn't pretend that you're like a lawyer battling an opponent in court who can easily fraternize with his adversary after his day's work is done.

This is not litigation; this is the fate of the nation and even the world. As a liberal columnist who has taken Mr. Bush to task numerous times, Mr. Cohen should know this better than anyone.

Here in Canada, the annual Press Gallery dinner held with the Prime Minister used to be a private, off-the-record, drunken event which accentuated the insider status of those in attendance and reinforced the cynicism about the relationship between politics and journalism. Making the event public (like the Washington equivalent) helped alleviate some of the cynicism but did little to cure the essentially dysfunctional nature of that relationship.

I suggest that both Washington and Ottawa get rid of these events and encourage the members of the media to get back to doing their jobs. It’s time for the press to take their responsibility more seriously. That means not only presenting an unbiased view but avoiding any appearances of bias.

Don’t be seduced by the perks of the position. Don’t sell out your principles for a fancy dinner with the President. Remember why you entered your profession and keep your distance from the foe.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bush, Jr.

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, D. C.

Dear George:

It was great meeting you and Vicente earlier this year in Cancun. You probably wouldn’t have guessed but I was a bit of a nerd in university. So it was a real treat to party with you and the Foxman in Mexico.

The reason I’m writing is to thank you for all of your helpful suggestions. It’s been a bit tricky governing here in Canada since I don’t have a majority in our legislature like you do. But your handy hints have made it a lot easier.

First, I can’t tell you how much I love your KISS approach to campaigning. As you said, keep it simple and the voters will love you. I picked five points and hammered them home until frankly even I was sick of them. But, by gosh, it worked!

Now I’m governing just like I campaigned. I’m introducing those five points one by one and I’m going to stick to them come hell or high water. As you said: "Admit no mistakes and never look back."

Since I implemented your media plan, dealing with the press has been a breeze. Who would have thought saying nothing would pay such dividends? Plus it’s really fun to watch the reporters shout themselves hoarse trying to get an answer.

Glad to be able to help out in Afghanistan. So far, so good. I followed your lead and put the kybosh on any flag lowering or casket photographing and everything’s under control. Maybe if things go well, I can even send a few troops to Iraq. One small point, though. Could you remind me why we’re in Afghanistan? People are starting to ask.

"Muchas gracias" for the softwood lumber deal. I know it was all ready months ago. But by holding off and letting me take the credit, you really helped me out. How about we implement that mad cow agreement now?

That tax cutting advice was also right on. Like you said, if my predecessor was stupid enough to leave a big, fat surplus then I’d be a fool not to spend it. And what better way to spend it than on tax cuts. Social programs, health care and education are soooo boring.

I have to admit; I really like your habeas corpus-less imprisonments and your warrant-less wiretaps. Believe me; they’d both come in handy up here. But so far, I can’t find any judges or lawyers to go along with me. I appreciate your offer of a loan of Clarence Thomas or Alberto Gonzales but I think Canadians might suspect something was up.

As for getting a majority government, I appreciate your advice that you don’t necessarily need the most votes to win. But I don’t think there are enough Canadian voters in Florida to make a difference. Plus I don’t have a lot of friends yet on our Supreme Court.

I appreciate all the lifestyle hints, too. But let’s face it; no one’s gonna believe I’m a "compassionate conservative." And as for cowboy boots and a ranch, I’m afraid I couldn’t pull it off. But maybe next time we get together, you could teach me how to cut brush.


Stephen Harper

P. S. - I’ve tried both leather vests and down-filled vests but neither seems to work for me. Any suggestions?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

God's Diary

Days 1-6

Created the stars, the skies, the firmament (sp.?), plants, animals, etc. Overall, I’d have to say it was good work.

Day 7

Day off. Did some reading and caught up on correspondence.

Day 8

Left for extended business trip. Lots of work to be done in outer galaxies.

Day 4,360,056,993,487

Wow! Time flies when you’re busy. Checked back on experimental project in remote corner of the Milky Way Galaxy. Locals have taken to calling their solar system "the Solar System." Residents of third planet appear very self-centered, call planet "the Earth" and their puny little moon "the Moon." Bad sign. (N. B.: set up billion-year BF system on planet creation files to timely terminate unsuccessful experiments.)

Retrieved notes from Days 1-6 and reviewed parameters for Milky Way sub-project JT-087 and, in particular, variables for Earth-based experiment. Looks like attempt at giving beings "free will" should have been monitored more closely.

Appears most residents profess belief in Me. However, I’m puzzled by the variety of conflicting credos. Started out with one God but somehow things have gone off the rails.

Sad to see that different sects have claimed monopoly on access to Me. Seems to have resulted in lots of wars and many deaths. Frankly, I never saw that coming.

Ones called Buddhists appear to be closest to the mark. But they’ve got such a depressing message. Can’t see them making great inroads with the rest.

Considered sending down an emissary, a messiah if you will. But it looks like some groups already believe I did that. Sending a real one now might just complicate things further.

Decided instead on putting self-identified, born-again Christian in charge of the most powerful nation to see what happens. I’ll check back in four to eight years to see if they’re really as stupid as they seem. May have to terminate experiment at that time. (Note to self: Don’t make use of term "Rapture"; it will only confuse the natives.)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The People v. George W. Bush

After years of fruitless negotiations and pointless pleading, the American people have been forced to take legal action against their President, George W. Bush. Apparently frustrated by Mr. Bush’s uncooperative attitude, the residents of the United States finally threw in the towel and chose the option of last resort.

A statement of claim was filed yesterday in Washington, D. C.:

Civil Action No. 564/06



The People

- and -

George W. Bush

Plaintiff The People of the United States of America (hereinafter "Plaintiff") states as follows:


Plaintiff brings this action against the President of the United States for negligent misrepresentation, breach of contract and excessive use of malapropisms:


Whereas the Defendant circumvented the electoral process to gain the presidency in 2000.
And whereas the Defendant misled certain of the Plaintiff by willfully misrepresenting himself as a compassionate conservative.
And whereas the Defendant converted a half trillion dollar surplus into a trillion dollar debt..
And whereas the Defendant misled the Plaintiff as to the reasons for going to war with Iraq.
And whereas the Defendant erroneously declared "mission accomplished" when he knew, or ought to have known, that the mission was far from completed.
And whereas the Plaintiff feels foolish about electing the Defendant in 2000 and feels really, really foolish about reelecting him in 2004.
And whereas the Defendant mischievously deceived many of the Plaintiff into believing he was a "Texan", a "regular guy", "one of us" or similar such characterizations.
And whereas the Defendant and his agents failed to aid New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.
And whereas the Defendant has consistently refused to acknowledge any errors or admit any mistakes.
And whereas the Plaintiff wishes to invoke the longstanding doctrine of "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of wilful deceit, negligent misrepresentation and pigheaded stubbornness. Furthermore, the Defendant is guilty of breach of contract and various violations of proper English language usage.

Wherefore the Plaintiff seeks specific damages in the amount of $1,500,000,000 to re-balance the Plaintiff’s budget and specific damages in the amount of $600,000,000 to compensate for funds wasted in Iraq.
Furthermore the Plaintiff seeks general damages in the amount of $1,000,000,000 for loss of reputation and worldwide public humiliation.
Furthermore the Plaintiff seeks punitive damages in the amount of $1,000,000 to dissuade Defendant from future violations.

Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $3,101,000,000, (2) an order in the nature of prohibition that the Defendant be prevented from completing his term in office or, in the alternative, (3) a declaration from this Honorable Court that just about anyone other than Dick Cheney be the new President or, in the further alternative, (4) an interlocutory injunction temporarily enjoining the Defendant from doing anything further to damage the Plaintiff or its country for the next two-and-a-half years.


May 9, 2006.

Issued By: U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Presidential Bully

"I think he [President Bush] is a bully, and like all bullies, he’s a coward when confronted with a force that he’s fearful of."
- Al Gore, "The New Yorker", 13/09/04

PRESS RELEASE April 15, 2005
Subject: Bullying

The President recognizes that bullying is a serious problem in today’s schools and wholeheartedly endorses recent anti-bullying initiatives. In support of that goal, The White House is providing these helpful guidelines.

There are a number of characteristics associated with bullies. For example, most bullies insist on getting their own way. They don’t consult with others. They don’t compromise and they often act unilaterally.

Bullies tend to intimidate weaker students and force them to do what the bully wants. Sometimes they’ll even lie to get their own way.

Often bullies will scare other kids into silence or fawning approval. These kids would normally broadcast any wrongs or misdeeds to other kids or the proper authorities. But fear of reprisals prevents them from using various media to tell their stories.

Bullies are usually attention seekers. They establish their power base by testing the response of less powerful members. They bully because they believe they are popular and have the support of others.

There are three main types of bullying:
* physical: hitting, kicking, invading someone’s space
* verbal: name-calling; insulting, illiberal remarks
* indirect/emotional: excluding others from groups (e.g. - "you’re with us or against us")

Bullying is deliberate, hurtful behavior that is repeated. For example, if a student continually threatens another student’s social security or medical care, that’s bullying. If he continues to take money from another student even when he and his friends have more than they need, that’s also bullying.

The Bush Administration fully supports all reasonable efforts to stamp out bullying including the suspension of civil liberties and the use of off-campus detention centers. If anyone has a problem with this approach, the President invites them to meet him tomorrow at 3:30 behind The White House.

Monday, May 08, 2006


There are a few examples in the English language of words derived from the actions of notorious individuals. For example, "bowdlerize" means to expurgate by omitting the vulgar portions and was derived from the name of the 19th century editor Thomas Bowdler. "Spoonerism" refers to the transposition of the initial sounds of two or more words and comes from Reverend William Spooner, known for his creative malapropisms such as his royal toast to "the queer old Dean." And "malapropism" itself originated from the misspeaking character Mrs. Malaprop in R. B. Sheridan’s play "The Rivals."

These few name-derived words are fine as far as they go. But in the interests of expanding our useful vocabulary, a review of today’s leading Americans suggests the following possible new linguistic creations:

bushelled: a state of utter confusion brought on by a series of misguided decisions as in, "George was so bushelled, he was thankful he didn’t have to run for reelection."

harriet: to attack one of your own; to self-defeat - e.g. - "It was astonishing to watch the right wing commentators harriet the conservative nominee."

deLayed: removal from office through one’s own egregious misdeeds as in, "Tom wouldn’t admit it but the latest indictment had clearly deLayed him."

rumsey: a confusing figure of speech used to conceal the truth - e.g. - "Donald’s reliance on unknown unknowns resulted in an inadvertent rumsey."

cheneyate: to surreptitiously rule through a surrogate as in, "When Dick made himself Vice President, he knew he could cheneyate the White House."

rover: a loyal subordinate who will do whatever is necessary to protect the boss - e.g. - "By outing the undercover agent, Karl proved he was the number one rover."

kerrify: to drain the life and fun out of a social encounter; to bore or make one lose interest; syn. to goreate - e.g. - "The party looked like a winner until John opened his mouth and started kerrifying."

hillarize: to accessorize in the manner of British royalty; to dress frumpily - e.g. - "Despite spending inordinate sums on clothing, the senator always managed to hillarize her appearance."

schwarzen: to condemn or criticize others for lack of aggression or machismo - e.g. - "Arnold couldn’t help but schwarzen the Democratic girlyman."

clintonism: a deliberate misuse of language intended to avoid responsibility as in, "When Bill parsed the meaning of the word ‘is’, he committed a huge clintonism."

cruise: to pontificate on matters not within one’s own area of expertise; syn. to streisand - e.g. - "Tom liked to jump on sofas and cruise about psychiatry."

Friday, May 05, 2006

The Week After New Year's

Broadcast nationally on CBC Radio - Thursday morning November 17, 2005


'Twas the week after New Year’s, when all through the nation,
All the voters were subjected to one last oration.
No rest from the holidays, no family connection,
On a wintry Monday they were facing an election.

The Liberals were nestled all snug in their beds,
While majority visions danced in their heads;
And the Bloc and the Tories and the one they call Jack,
Were all hoping to lead the political pack.

When out on the Lawn there arose such a clatter,
I called 911 to see what was the matter.
The operator knew nothing of this strange event,
Or the possible choosing of a new government.

So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.
When, what to my wondering eyes should I see,
But a thousand electors just like you and me.

They climbed up the pathway of Parliament Hill,
And started to roar like they were ready to kill.
Their anger was palpable, a rage you could taste,
And they shouted and hollered about government waste.

"Out Martin! Out Layton! Out Harper and Duceppe!
Out Chretien! Out Guité! Out Dingwall and the rest!
Get out of our country, begone with you all!
We’ve had it to here with your arrogant gall!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the street
The angry arrival of ten million more feet.
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
The entire electorate arrived on the grounds.

And the millions were shouting and jeering the names
Of the cads and the villains who’d caused all this shame.
They weren’t going to take it, they’d had quite enough,
And to each party leader they said: "Just get stuffed!"

The voters rose up and they made it quite clear
They didn’t want any more politicians here.
They’d had it with Martin and his unfinished plans,
But they couldn’t abide Harper’s extremist demands.
No one trusted Jack Layton to answer the call,
And the guy called Duceppe was the worst one of all.

So they gathered that night at the foot of the Tower,
To take a new stand in this ominous hour.
There was no one to vote for, no one they could trust,
So they decided to do what they knew that they must.

They’d all show up Monday at their own polling stations,
But they’d go there without any sense of elation.
If they had to cast votes for this country they loved,
Then they’d all mark their ballots for "None of the above."

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Video Village

"U.S. secretary of state [Condoleezza Rice] has invited cameras into her departmental gym to record how she squeezes fitness training into her busy schedule. NBC began broadcasting the three-part series yesterday, featuring a warmup of "easy spinning" on an exercise bike, followed by shots of her abdominal routine.....Ms. Rice has been busy softening what is a slightly severe public persona and filling out her political CV."

- The Ottawa Citizen - March 2, 2006

Condoleezza Rice isn’t the only member of the Bush Administration looking to soften her public image. Apparently her video is part of an Administration-wide initiative in image management as can be seen from these soon-to-be-released White House productions:

Dick Cheney’s Quail Hunting Video

Looking to dispel his reputation as a hard-nosed, taciturn politician, Dick Cheney is releasing a video showing that he, too, can kick back and relax. The Vice President describes how he likes to escape the stressful grind of Washington by having a couple of drinks, getting in a limo and driving a mile or two up the road of a friend’s ranch to take a few potshots at whatever moves. It’s hoped that when Americans see Mr. Cheney engaging in playful banter with his hunting partners, they’ll see the Vice President’s lighter side and forget the unfair Darth Vader characterizations. This version of the video also includes some hilarious outtakes of the Veep pretending to shoot various friends in the face.

Scooter Libby’s Dance Party Video

Vice President Cheney’s former right-hand man has recently taken a lot of flack for everything from leaks to wiretaps. All will be forgiven, however, when the American public sees Mr. Libby’s latest dance party video. Whether it’s in their house or the big house, the former Chief of Staff shows how any family can set up a 60s style dance party complete with snacks, drinks and a secret, unauthorized tape recorder. Includes such classic hits as "Jailhouse Rock", "Silence is Golden" and "I Will Follow Him."

Karl Rove’s Home Repair Video

Often criticized for his underhanded attempts to neutralize the opposition, Karl Rove is also looking for an image overhaul. What better way to humanize the man they call "Bush’s Brain" than with a home repair video. This self-narrated production shows Mr. Rove working against type by actually building things, fixing things and plugging leaks. "I spend all day deconstructing and dissembling," the President’s advisor is heard to say on the tape. "It’s fun and relaxing to come home and actually do something constructive with my hands."

Donald Rumsfeld’s Poetry Video

Most Americans don’t get to see the softer side of President Bush’s tough-talking Secretary of Defense. Now they can with this intimate look at the Pentagon’s own poet laureate. After a hard day of fomenting insurgencies and torturing the media, Mr. Rumsfeld likes nothing better than to listen to the soothing sounds of Rod McKuen and crank out some iambic pentameter. Surprisingly self-effacing about his own literary efforts, the Defense Secretary here shares for the first time some of his most touching literary creations. Viewers will be alternately surprised and horrified by such works as "The Unknown Unknowns", "160,000 Is More Than Enough" and "O Where Are the Weapons?"

Michael Chertoff’s Home Security Video

Unfairly portrayed as an unqualified, incompetent, blame-shifting stumblebum, the Homeland Security Secretary wants to improve his standing with the American people by sharing his expertise. Hoping to disabuse the public of their accurate but misguided notions, Mr. Chertoff shows how what he has learned on the job can be put to practical use by the average homeowner. Segments include "Don’t Hire Contractors Named Brown", "Don’t Build Near a Levee" and "In Hartford, New Hampshire and the Hamptons, Hurricanes Hardly Ever Happen."

George W. Bush’s Texas Hold ‘Em Video

With an approval rating in the low 30s, even the President is hoping to burnish his image with an attempt at videography. Capitalizing on the current TV poker craze, the President shows the viewer how to improve his hand even when he has no weapons. As Mr. Bush advises: "Always keep your cards close to your vest, don’t let ‘em see you sweat and, most importantly, no matter what the flop, keep on bluffing."

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Foreword to "My Friend W"

This is the foreword to my book "My Friend W" available on-line at Amazon and at Chapters stores across Canada:

Ottawa, Ontario
April 1, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear Mr. President:

I’m writing a book about you entitled "My Friend W." It’s a short humor collection based on the conceit that you are, in fact, my friend. I plan to include, among others, pieces comparing you to John Quincy Adams, the Godfather and the Cat in the Hat.

Now you and I both know that we are not friends. Not that we couldn’t be. We’re both fifty-something baby boomers who were born into a life of privilege. Well, actually, I wasn’t born into a life of privilege. But I’m sure I could have been if your generous tax cuts had been in place for my family in the 1950s.

Anyway, to make a long story short, my book’s coming out soon and I’m looking for some publicity to help sales. And one way to boost sales is with those snappy blurbs on the back cover. You know the ones. Like "Best Presidential satire since Vaughn Meader" or "Skewers Bush like no one before."

Of course, it would be unfair to ask you to be too effusive in your praise, but something simple like "I’m pleased to recommend my friend Dave’s book" or "This book made me re-think my entire domestic policy" would be much appreciated.

Looking forward to hearing from you and becoming

Your friend,


P. S. - If it helps, I didn’t vote for Al Gore. In fairness, I didn’t vote for you either.

Ottawa, Ontario
May 1, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear Mr. Bush:

Thank you so much for your timely reply. It’s not quite what I was looking for but it’s a start.

As I mentioned in my last letter (copy enclosed), I was hoping for a nice snappy blurb to use on the back cover of the book. You’ve probably seen a few of them in your days like the ones on the backs of Zane Grey westerns or foreign policy treatises by Paul Wolfowitz.

The thing is, hard as my publisher and I have tried, we haven’t been able to do much with "I appreciate your interest" or "Enclosed please find a picture of The White House."

To make this easy and to speed things up (our publishing deadline is soon!!), could you please just check off one of these suggested blurbs and return this letter in the enclosed stamped, self-addressed envelope?:

____ Best hatchet job since Al Franken’s.
____ Makes Michael Moore look like a pussycat.
____ I’m proud to call Dave Barry my friend.

Thanks again and thank you for being you. Without your special talents, this book would never have been possible.

Your friend in waiting,


P. O. Box 601
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

June 1, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C.
U. S. A.

Dear George:

I think there’s been a terrible, terrible mistake. I expected to receive your reply by return post. Instead, a couple of burly RCMP officers came to visit me. They showed me copies of my first two letters to you and the next thing I know I’m in Cuba in an open air cage with a prayer mat and a copy of the Koran.

Anyway, enough about me. The one I’m really worried about is my publisher. The publication date is soon and not only does he not have a back page blurb from you, it looks like he may not have an author to do interviews and a book tour.

You know what? Forget about the blurb. If you could just put in a kind word for me with that guy John Ashcroft, maybe I could get back to Canada and start writing a humor book about John Kerry.

Whatta you say, Mr. President? Deal?

Your future friend,


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Bush In The White House Comes Back

"The Bush In The White House Comes Back"
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

This was no time for play.
This was no time for fun.
This was no time for games.
There was work to be done.

All those deep,
Deep, deep woes.
All those woes had to go.
When the voters went
Down to the polls that day.
They said, "Somebody has to
Make these woes go away.
Somebody, SOMEBODY
Has to, you see."
Then they picked out two Somebodies.
Bill Clinton and me.

There we were.
We started to push
And then who should show up
But George W. Bush.
"Oh-oh!" Bill said.
"Don’t you vote for that Bush.
That Bush is a bad one,
That George W. Bush.
He plays lots of bad tricks.
Don’t you let him come near.
You know all that happened
When his father was here."

"Play tricks?" laughed Mr. Bush.
"Oh, my my! No, no, no!
I just want to cut taxes
To make everything grow.
Keep your thoughts on your work.
Don’t get your minds bent.
I will move to The White House
And fix government."

And that Bush went right in!
He was up to no good!
So I ran in after
As fast as I could!

Do you know where I found him?
You know where he was?
He was cutting the taxes for the rich!
Yes he was!

The deficit was increasing
And the national debt, too.
And I said to George W.,
"What a bad thing to do!"

"But I like to help rich folk
With a tax cut or three.
And for every tax cut
They give money to me."

And then I got mad.
This was no time for fun.
I said, "Mr. Bush! You get out!
There is work to be done.
We have no time for tricks.
We must get back to work.
We can’t have you in here
Screwing up like a jerk!
Get out of The White House!
We don’t want you about!"
Though he’d lost the election,
We could not get him out.

The tax cuts piled up
And then came the debt!
A debt on the books!
One we’d always regret!
A huge trillion-dollar debt!
It flowed with red ink!
And I said, "Will this ever
go away? I don’t think!"

"Have no fear of that debt,"
Laughed George W. Bush.
"Why, I can fix huge debts.
Relax. There’s no rush!"

Do you know what he did next
With the national budget?
He cooked all the books.
Social security? He fudged it!

Then Bill Clinton looked in.
Bill saw the mess, too!
And Clinton and I
Did not know what to do.

We should work on our problems.
But that debt! What a spot!
"It may never come down!"
Clinton said. "It may not!"

But Mr. Bush laughed, "Ha! Ha!
I can make the debt go.
The way I take debt off the books
Is just so!"

"See here!" laughed Mr. Bush
"It’s just one step more.
The thing that takes debt
Off the books is a war!"

Then we saw Bush fool
The folks with success.
They’d forgotten the debt.
But the world! What a mess!

"Oh, hot spots!" he laughed.
"Let me deal with them, too.
To take your mind off war one,
All you need is war two!"

Whose war did he use?
I looked and saw whose!
And I said to Mr. Bush,
"This is very bad news.
The war you have started
Is not one we would choose."

"But my dad did not
Make the last push,"
Said Mr. Bush.
"He stopped way too soon,"
Shouted George W. Bush.
"Iraq will now watch
As I make Saddam fall.
I will rub him right out.
And bring freedom to all."

"But now we have more hot spots!"
I yelled. "War one, war two!
More hot spots! What next?
What more will you do?"

"Just watch me," he smirked.
"Why you know that I can!"
Then he picked up his axis
And threatened Iran.

"I can clean up these hot spots
Before you count three!
No spots are too hard
For a good guy like me!"

The world was off kilter
And then Mr. Bush said,
"We better hide all of this
Under the bed."

Then he blamed the UN
And the Democrats, too.
All the problems were caused
by the unpatriotic few.

But Mr. Bush was a bit flummoxed.
He scratched his own head.
"How can I get reelected?"
He finally said.

To blame hot spots on others
Will be hard," said Mr. Bush.
"I can’t do it alone,"
Said George W. Bush.

"It is good I have someone
To help me," he said.
"He’s the one who put all
These ideas in my head.
It is good that I have him.
He’s a great guy you see.
He worked for my father.
He’s my VP Cheney."

And then Cheney the Veep
Said he’d spread out the load.
"I must share all the credit
With young Karl Rove."

"He’s quite the fine helper.
He’s handy you’ll see.
And I like to release him
On our enemies."

And then Karl said,
"Bring the guy named Wolfy.
These problems are too much
For just Cheney and me.
But now have no fear!
We will clean them you’ll see!
Just leave it to Wolfowitz, Rove and Cheney!"

"Come on! Take them away!"
Yelled Richard Cheney.
"I will blame all the hot spots
On the one called Kerry.
With dubious ads
That we’ll run on TV."
Millions were freed
For the ads on TV.

Karl covered the problems,
Put the blame on the man
Who lived in The White House
Before this began.

But the troubles still lingered,
There were questions they knew.
Some previous colleagues
Were asked what was true.

So they avoided the commission.
They downplayed the truth.
They painted the inquisitors
As partisans uncouth.

"With some help we can do it!"
Said the advisor Wolfy.
Then who should appear
But the one called Condi.
Then three more popped up
Ridge, Powell and Rummy.

"We will clean up this mess
If it takes us all year!
If it takes ‘til November,
It will still disappear!"

They worked out of The White House
Where we once worked, too.
And George W. laughed,
"Now you’ll see what to do!
My guys are all clever.
My guys are good shots.
My guys have good ammo.
They’ll never get caught!"

But this did not look
Very clever to me.
Cover lies and deceptions
With more trickery?

"All this does is make more of a mess!"
We yelled at George W. Bush.
"Stop all this madness
Don’t be so damn louche."

"Take your Cabinet members
Condi, Rove and Cheney.
Call them off the case.
Make them all go away!"

"On, no! said George W.
"We’ll trash each Democrat.
With the money we’ve gathered
We can go on the attack."

Then another Republican
Appeared on the scene.
And another and another
‘Til they’d formed a new team.

A virtual alphabet of
Republican guys
Had gathered in Washington
To help spread the lies.

"Come on! Block those truth tellers!
Hide the whole mess,"
Yelled the neo-con helpers
As they continued to press.

Oh, the things that they did!
And they did them so well,
Not a tittle of truth
Could anyone tell.
But George W. stood there
And he said, "This is great.
This is what they should do
If it’s all not too late."

"With a little more help,
All the work will be done.
We need one more dissembler
And I know just the one."

"Look close! At the mountains
In west Pakistan.
And you’ll find the one guy
Who is our real go-to man."

"Osama bin Laden
Is too hidden to see.
But he is the cat
Who’ll help reelect me."

"When we capture Osama
For voters to see
We’ll have dozens of ads
Spread all over TV."

"He has something called evil.
Evil’s so hard to find.
But once you have captured it
It’s a media gold mine.
Why evil trumps policy
Truth and protection.
For gullible voters
It’s the ultimate deception.

So come this election
Sometime in the fall,
We’ll find old Osama
And that will be all."

Now don’t ask me what evil is.
I never will know.
But, boy! Let me tell you
It makes pluralities grow.

"So you see!" laughed George W.,
Once the people have heard
That bin Laden’s in prison
My victory’s assured!"

"All mistakes are forgiven.
All screw-ups forgotten.
I’ll be back in The White House
To pursue all things rotten.
With my friends Karl Rove
Condi Rice and Cheney.
It’s really as simple as
A, B and C."

Monday, May 01, 2006

Liddy, Not Libby

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, D. C.

Dear Mr. President:

I’m writing you regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

Ever since that weasel Libby blew the whistle on the Plame leak, my web site has been getting more hits than an Arab prisoner at Abu Ghraib. They keep mistaking me for him. Yesterday the damn server even crashed.

I don’t know how people are getting us confused. I’m G. Gordon Liddy, American patriot. He’s I. Lewis Libby, American stool pigeon. Our names couldn’t be more different.

Anyway, enough grousing on my part. The upside of all this is that my web site is getting so many hits that I can finally afford to buy that new Kevlar bulletproof vest I’ve been eyeing at Guns ‘N Ammo.

But the fact remains that I’m still annoyed that people are mistaking me for that canary Libby. And I have to say that I’m concerned for you and your administration. The last time a little songbird like that named John Dean started singing, he brought down a whole presidency.

What’s happened to people today, Mr. President? It used to be you could break the law and count on the perpetrators to keep their traps shut. As I always say, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

In my day, loyalty to the boss came first. Just because a few folks break into an office building or leak the name of a CIA agent, that’s no reason to turn chicken and start talking.

Young people today, they can’t even spell coverup, much less execute one. You know what I’m talking about, right Mr. President? Ask a veteran like Dick Cheney and he’ll tell you. Even if you shoot a guy in the face, no point in taking the blame. Get the other guy to take the fall.

Thanks, Mr. President, for giving me a chance to blow off a little steam. I just don’t know what this country is coming to these days. All these young wusses can’t keep their traps shut for a second. I bet none of them can hold a flame to their hand or eat a rat or even do hard time. Just a bunch of liberal weenies, if you ask me.

I’d appreciate anything you could do to get the message out that I, G. Gordon Liddy, true American patriot, am not I. Scooter Libby, traitorous weakling. And if I could help you out in a "where’s Jimmy Hoffa?" kind of way, you know how to reach me.


G. Gordon Liddy, Official American Hero

P. S. - What the hell kind of nickname is Scooter, anyway? That alone should be a crime.