Donald Trump has been president for seven months now and some are wondering if he can ever make good on all of his campaign promises. But Mr. Trump is not backing away from his commitments. Seldom reliable sources have released the following transcript of a recent interview:
Promise: Build a wall along the southern border
Everyone says it can’t be done but it will be built and it will be great. In fact, it’s going to be the Great Wall of China. That’s right; I am such a great negotiator that I’m going to buy China’s wall at a bargain price.
The Chinese are having some economic problems lately and are looking to help their bottom line. Their wall is hundreds of years old and has long ago been fully depreciated. Trust me; they don’t want it anymore.
I’ll negotiate a fantastic price and, here’s the beautiful part, as part of the deal, I’ll get them to pay for dismantling the wall, transporting it and erecting it on the Mexican border.
It’s going to be a beautiful wall and very, very effective. Look what it did for the Chinese for years, keeping out all those undocumented Mongol hordes.
And the icing on the cake? Once the wall is up, it’s absolutely going to become a top tourist attraction and a huge revenue generator. And once you add in the new hotels and casinos, I predict it will pay for itself in three years.
Promise: Ban all Muslim immigrants to the U. S. until we can figure out what’s going on
Some so-called legal experts say such a ban is unconstitutional. Don’t know; don’t care. But it doesn’t matter since I’ve now seen all the top-secret security information and now I know what’s going on. So bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. That eliminates the need for the Muslim ban.
Promise: Repeal Obamacare and replace it with a more efficient and less expensive alternative
We’ve got control of both houses of Congress so repealing Obamacare should have been a done deal by now. As for replacing it, I’ve got a brand new fantastic idea that I think is going to work bigly; it’s called Medicare.
Ask your grandparents if they like their Medicare and I guarantee you they’ll say they love it. So what I’m suggesting is we just extend Medicare to cover everybody. It’s such a simple solution I bet even some of the Democrats in Congress will vote for it, except maybe those crazy old socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.
Promise: Jail Hillary Clinton
I was prepared to have her prosecuted and sent to Guantanamo Bay. But, as you know, no one has more respect for women than me. So I found a neat compromise to avoid breaking my promise.
You may not know it but I made a little deal with Obama when I met with him at the White House back in January. I told him I’d keep a couple of things from Obamacare if he would pardon Hillary before January 20th which he secretly did. So now my hands are tied.
Promise: Have the country say Merry Christmas again
This one’s easy; just do it through tax incentives.
If you include a video clip of yourself saying “Merry Christmas” with your next tax return, you’ll get a $100 tax credit. Trust me; folks will be saying Merry Christmas all year long.