Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Trump: The Cancer Spreads North

Dear American friends and neighbours,
     I’ve got a bone to pick with you and it has to do with Donald Trump.
     Up until now, I’ve been watching your presidential train wreck with a touch of smugness. Sure, Donald Trump is a political disaster and a disgusting human being. But he’s basically your problem, a problem I don’t have to worry about here in Canada.
     Well, it turns out I may be wrong on that. In case you haven’t heard, the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party just chose Doug Ford to be their leader and potentially the next premier of the province if he prevails in the upcoming election.
     Now you’re probably saying “that name sounds awfully familiar” and you’re right; Doug Ford is the older brother of the late Rob Ford, the former mayor of Toronto. Yes, that Rob Ford, the guy who embarrassed the entire nation with his wild drunken and drug-addled escapades.
     Cast your mind back a few years and you’ll surely recall various Rob Ford episodes that resulted in him becoming the most popular punch line on American late night TV. Among others, there was his DUI in Miami in 1999, his drunken escapades on St. Patrick’s Day in Toronto City Hall in 2012, the video of him smoking crack cocaine in 2013 and the one of him running over a councilwoman in the council chamber that same year.
     What was most amazing about Rob Ford was that he was Donald Trump before Donald Trump entered the 2016 presidential race. No matter what Ford did, he seemed to be untouchable, a Teflon mayor. His populist appeal garnered him a solid base of unwavering support, a base that became known as Ford Nation.
     With Rob Ford’s death in 2016, we hoped that we had put this sad political chapter behind us. But it turns out that the cancer eating away at your body politic has apparently metastasized and spread north. Rob’s older brother Doug, a former Toronto city councilman and unsuccessful mayoral candidate has not only resuscitated Ford Nation; he has taken it to the next level with his campaign to become the next premier of Ontario.
     So far, it appears that Doug Ford has no platform apart from his Trumpian attacks against anyone and everyone. He wants to severely cut government services and has no use for the media.
     It took a bit of luck for Doug Ford to end up in this position, particularly when newly-elected Ontario PC leader Patrick Brown was embroiled in accusations of misconduct and had to step down. Even then, he had to pull out all the stops in order to defeat more centrist candidates like Christine Elliot and Caroline Mulroney, daughter of Canada’s much-reviled former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.
     Like Trump’s surprise victories in 2016, it appears that Doug Ford barely squeaked by thanks to a solid base of unthinking, uncritical populist support. And given the widespread unpopularity of Ontario’s incumbent premier Kathleen Wynne, it looks like he might just pull off another upset and saddle Canada’s biggest province with an unqualified disruptive blowhard as leader.
     I can’t help but think that all this would have been nothing more than an unrealized nightmare but for the antics of your current president. As the Canadian mouse that sleeps with the American elephant, we are often under your spell and subject to the trends unfolding south of the border including a misplaced faith by some in the prejudices and promises of one Donald J. Trump and his copycats.
     I’ll cross my fingers and hope that Ms. Wynne can reverse her increasing unpopularity or that the New Democratic Party leader Andrea Horvath will pull off the impossible or that Doug Ford will follow in his late brother’s footsteps and self-destruct. If none of those things happens, however, I will offer you folks an apology, lose my smugness and check out American immigration rules.
     Trump can’t happen in Canada? I’m no longer so sure.
Yours truly,
Dave Martin 

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Toddler Trump

     Commentators and politicians alike have spent the last year trying to predict and analyze the words and actions of one Donald Trump. Much electronic ink has been spilled in what has ultimately been a fruitless effort.
     As I see it, Trump’s critics are approaching this problem mistakenly. Their underlying assumption is that the President is a rational adult who will eventually see reason and alter his behavior to conform to accepted norms. But as Trump might say: “Wrong!”
     A more fruitful approach would be to accept Donald Trump for what he is: a spoiled unruly toddler. Check out his behavior and you’ll see that the current occupant of the White House is essentially a tiresome two-year-old.
     So if Trump is a two-year-old then what’s the answer? Treat him like a two-year-old, that’s what.
     All of us have been toddlers at one time and many of us have had to suffer through our children’s “terrible twos.” So it stands to reason that pundits, politicians and partners should employ the same tactics they used in the past to deal with young children.
The art of distraction
     When Trump has insulted someone for the tenth time or has lied over and over again, it would be helpful if his handlers distracted him. Whether it’s a shiny object, a game of golf or a few minutes of praise, hopefully those closest to him have lots of ways to divert his attention elsewhere.
Think like a toddler
     Toddlers often have difficulty understanding why they have to perform a specific task or behave a certain way. That’s when it’s helpful to put yourself in his booties and see the world from his perspective. Help him to understand why he can’t do anything he wants or why he has to follow the rule of law.
Avoid stressful situations
     Over time, you get to know what triggers will set off a toddler and possibly result in a full-blown tantrum. That’s why it’s advisable to avoid certain situations. For example, in the case of Mr. Trump, it might be wise to unplug his TV in the morning or hide his phone at night. The fewer opportunities he has to tweet or watch Fox & Friends, the easier it will be for everybody.
Try a timeout
     Sometimes a toddler becomes so upset and over-stimulated that he simply won’t listen to reason at all. In such cases, it’s often a good idea to give him a timeout. But don’t couch it in terms of a punishment but instead use it as an opportunity for the President to have some quiet time free from too much social media or TV viewing. You can always try offering a book as a distraction but most toddlers aren’t that interested in reading.
Relax and stay calm
     I’m sure most of you have been in that situation where a toddler is acting out and you tend to lose it and overreact. That’s the last thing you want to do since he’ll simply act up even more. Sometimes it’s best just to walk away and not buy into his antics. If he gets no reaction or attention, oftentimes he’ll just cry himself to sleep.
Just give in
     You don’t want to do this too often but sometimes it’s just easier all around to let your two-year-old have his way especially when it’s a fairly trivial matter. For example, if he wants to say that his Inauguration crowd or State of the Union address audience or tax cut was the biggest ever, it may not be worth the trouble to question it. Let him pretend and don’t rile him by presenting him with facts. That way you’ll be able to save your energy for another day. 

Friday, March 02, 2018

Seven Minutes of Hell


    January’s congressional game-playing resulted in a brief government shutdown followed by an extension of funding only to February 8th. A second shutdown was averted at the last minute and now the U. S. is facing a March 23rd deadline.  Here we go again.

      As usual, it starts out with a game of “chicken” with each party daring the other to pull the plug on government financing. Usually one party blinks before the deadline and the money issue is resolved. This time, however, the only thing clear is that all sides will be playing even more games. Games like:  

Pin the blame on the Democrats (Republicans)
     This one’s a favorite game at and for parties, in this case the Democrats and the Republicans. Watch as leaders like Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan and Chuck Schumer try to recast this whole mess and blame it on each other.
Broken telephone
     The Republican Congressional leadership and selected Cabinet members are lined up in a room with President Trump. One leader whispers a legislative solution to another leader who then passes it on to one or more Cabinet members and the White House Chief of Staff. It finally reaches the ear of the President who manages to completely misunderstand the original solution.
Spin the media
     Members of both parties sit in a circle with assorted media reporters and take turns spinning tales of how theirs is the best funding plan. A party member may select one of the reporters to join him in a separate room for “seven minutes of hell” followed by a rowdy session of “fake news.”
Twenty questions
     Traditionally a game requiring creativity and deductive reasoning, “twenty questions” as played by politicians is a whole different animal particularly when the person answering the questions doesn’t know the rules of the game. That person is President Trump who often forgets that you’re not supposed to lie.
Musical seats
     Patterned on the old game of musical chairs, “musical seats” includes the entire Congressional membership circling their assigned seats until the music stops. Depending on an incumbent’s electoral chances this coming November, he may withdraw from his seat and join the likes of Bob Corker and Jeff Flake on the sidelines.
Donald says
     This modern version of the children’s game “Simon says” has legislators from both sides trying to reach a bipartisan goal by taking cooperative steps. The problem is that they can only take those steps if “Donald says” and it turns out he rarely does.   

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Mulligans for Trump

     Tony Perkins, the leader of the evangelical organization Family Research Council, said that Donald Trump gets a “mulligan” regarding his affair with the porn star Stormy Daniels. What Mr. Perkins didn’t say was what additional excuses he and other evangelicals will have to come up with for other moral infractions by President Trump. Excuses like:
      Evangelicals tend not to look kindly on divorce. For the thrice-married Trump, this should be a problem. However, with the implementation of the new marital “do-over”, he should be off the hook, at least for now.
     Last time I checked, vanity was a Christian sin and Donald Trump’s magical hair is nothing, if not vain. But all is forgiven with the granting of one or more “comb-overs.”
     Like the “do-over”, a “re-do” will grant Trump forgiveness for his cursing, swearing and intemperate use of language. This will allow him to overcome his use of everything from the “f”-word to “s**thole.”
     “Mulroney” is not just the name of one of Canada’s most despised prime ministers. It’s also a synonym for “mulligan.” So if evangelical Christians worry about overusing “mulligan” for Trump’s past or future sexual indiscretions, they can always use “Mulroney” in its place.
     You’ve made two failed golf shots in a row? Then the second one is called a “dubligan.” This might be handy for those instances where Mr. Trump grabbed some woman by the “pussy” or otherwise sexually assaulted her.
     A “Sullivan” is a “mulligan” in an academic or financial context. For Mr. Trump, that means a corporate do-over in the form of a bankruptcy. This term can be used as often as required as in “We grant Mr. Trump a ‘Sullivan’ on his latest corporate bankruptcy.”
     Named after Bill Clinton for his huge number of forgiven blown golf shots, “Billigan” might easily apply to Donald Trump’s never-ending series of lies. Although Christians don’t usually countenance lying, perhaps they could let them slide if they are actually “Donigans.”
     “Ott” (or “over the top”) is forgiveness for repeated exaggeration. When Trump claims his Inaugural crowd was the biggest ever or that he is the smartest person he knows or that he’s the least racist, evangelicals can overlook his transgressions by granting him one or more “otts.”
     Whether it’s collusion with Russia or some questionable financial dealing verging on fraud or money laundering, evangelicals will need something to give Mr. Trump continued passes. When the talk in Washington turns to impeachment, they can just grant him a “Putin” or two.

     Finally, there’s the ultimate sin-cleansing device: WWJD or “What would Jesus do?” No matter how bad the sin or how nasty the sinner, all he needs to do is repent and everything will be forgiven. When Trump hits his moral nadir, so long as he asks for forgiveness, he can be granted a “WWJD”, otherwise known as a “St. Augustine.”

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Free preview of "Donnie's First Year"

My new humor collection is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. Click on the link to get a free preview of "Donnie's First Year."

Friday, February 09, 2018

Brian's Political Toolkit

     First we had Pierre Trudeau’s kid Justin becoming the leader of the federal Liberals and now we have Brian Mulroney’s daughter Caroline aiming to head up the Ontario provincial Tories. Luckily for her, her old man is still around to share his wealth of political expertise:
My dearest Caroline,
     You’ve warmed the cockles of this old Irishman’s heart by deciding to take up the family business. It’s not that I’m disappointed or embarrassed by Ben’s TV antics but, let’s face it, you can’t get rich hosting an entertainment show.
     Anyway, darling daughter, I’m thrilled that I’m still kicking so that you can benefit from my years of experience. To that end, here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I’m passing on to you:
*     Avoid keeping envelopes of cash lying around. Of course there’s nothing wrong with owning cash but, if you choose to do so, make sure it’s not traceable. If you do goof up, it’s been my experience that if you declare half of it to the CRA, that should suffice.
*     If you end up needing a plane for the campaign trail, I strongly recommend that you not rent an Airbus. They’re perfectly good planes but, take it from me, it wouldn’t be wise to associate the name Mulroney with Airbus.
*     Don’t touch the sales tax; it’s the third rail of Canadian politics. Just to be safe, stay away from anything ending in “ST” unless you’re just switching your clocks back to standard time.
*     Here’s a little tip if you do happen to become Tory leader and then premier of Ontario. Hopefully you win two majorities like your sainted father but if after that you see a disaster looming on the horizon, bail out sooner rather than later. Then you can retire as a great success and hang the inevitable subsequent defeat on your successor. You could give Kim Campbell a call for more details but don’t be surprised if she hangs up.
*     Whenever you get a chance to sing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” for a U. S. president, go for it even if it’s Donald Trump. Embarrassing as it might be, it’s always a good idea to have one of those guys in your back pocket.
*     If you become provincial leader, make sure the party pays you a little something extra every year for your service. Again, envelopes of cash are perfectly acceptable so long as you don’t broadcast it to every Tom, Dick and Karlheinz. On the other hand, you might prefer that your supporters anonymously donate cheques to a bank account for your use only.
*     Avoid ostentatious quasi-royalty-style living; the voters don’t seem to care for it. Don’t tell your mother but she could serve as your role model for what not to do.
*     If someone says “constitutional reform”, run for the hills. Much as I wanted to put the screws to old Trudeau, I wouldn’t touch that dossier again for an entire pile of cash-filled envelopes.
*     Be careful about unplanned witticisms. I’m not saying that “there’s no whore like an old whore” didn’t fit Bryce Mackasey to a T but, given the subsequent irony, I wish I hadn’t said it.

Brian a.k.a. Dad

P. S. – I’ve attached a brown envelope with a little something for your campaign. Don’t thank me; thank Uncle Wafid.

Wednesday, February 07, 2018

Canada's Olympic Senators

     Here’s a handy reminder to you men out there. February 14th is Valentine’s Day and you better make plans now to celebrate with your significant other in order to maintain domestic harmony.
     What you might not have known, however, is that February 14th also marks the beginning of the preliminary round of the men’s hockey competition at this year’s Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.
     Now if you’re like me, you’ve already written off Olympic hockey thanks to the National Hockey League’s decision to boycott the tournament. Instead of enjoying the best of the best competing against one another, we’re left to watch a bunch of youngsters and former NHL players face off in what will undoubtedly be, at best, a second-rate competition.
     It’s hard to get excited when the likes of Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid, Eric Karlsson, Patrick Kane and Carey Price will be nowhere near South Korea come mid-February. Instead, we’ll be looking at such “superstars” as Derek Roy, Ben Scrivens, Brian Gionta and Jordan Greenway. Not exactly household names in the world of hockey fandom.
     What’s a hockey fan to do? Well, if you’re a follower of most NHL teams, you’ve either got a team headed to the Stanley Cup playoffs or one that still has an outside chance of making it. So you likely won’t be distracted by the third-rate hockey that will play out at the Olympics.
     Now that’s fine for most of you but it’s of little consolation for us Senators fans here in Ottawa. Our team’s chances of making the playoffs are slim to none. From what I can see, we’re left with a wintertime Sophie’s choice: follow a failing team that’s out of the playoff race or watch an Olympic hockey tournament reminiscent of the amateurs-only competitions of years gone by.
     I think I have a solution to this sad dilemma, a solution that could spark the interest of Senators fans while at the same time burnish the somewhat tarnished reputation of team owner Eugene Melnyk.
     I’m urging Mr. Melnyk to effectively throw in the towel for this season and free the Senators Canadian players to join their national team over in PyeongChang. That would mean forwards like Matt Duchene, Mark Stone, Mike Hoffman, Jean-Gabriel Pageau, Alex Burrows and Zack Smith would be available to play for Canada. It would also free up defensemen like Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Thomas Chabot and Dion Phaneuf.
     With a lineup like that, Canada’s Olympic team would instantly become the clear favorite to take the gold medal in South Korea. And Ottawa would be transformed from a city having nothing to look forward to beyond a last-place finish to increase the team’s odds for next year’s draft to one filled with revitalized fans looking for Olympic gold.
     There is, of course, the issue of lost revenue. By my calculation, however, the Senators would only miss two home games. To make up any shortfall, perhaps Team Canada’s games could be shown on the big screens at the Canadian Tire Centre and we could pay admission to help out Mr. Melnyk.
     As for any road games during the Olympics, Ottawa would simply concede and give up the two points that they were likely going to lose anyway. If the NHL decides to be a stickler about this, maybe we could just replace the team with the Belleville Senators farm team for the interim.
     Time’s a wasting, Mr. Melnynk, so I suggest you get on this right away. We may have no chance at the Stanley Cup this year but Olympic gold is ours for the taking.  

Friday, February 02, 2018

Word of the Year

     Last December marked not only the end of the calendar year but also the beginning of the Word of the Year season. For example, the Oxford English Dictionary folks chose “youthquake” as their Word of the Year for 2017 and Mirriam-Webster selected “feminism.”
     Compared to previous years, the 2017 selections were pretty dull and unexciting. Nothing fun like past winners “truthiness”, “fake news” and “mansplain.”
     Maybe it’s time some of us stepped up to the linguistic plate, mixed a few metaphors and coined some interesting neologisms to ensure that, by next December, we’ll have some truly exciting candidates for 2018’s Word of the Year.
     In that vein, I offer the following creations:
     Turkeyfication is the act of undermining and dumbing down governmental procedures and structures. It essentially turns an efficient, high-flying creature into a stupid, flightless bird. As in, Donald Trump has engaged in the turkeyfication of the federal government.
     In our modern digital age, many online publications provide their readers the opportunity to comment on columns and opinion pieces. Sometimes those comments are well thought out and instructive. Sadly, they are often ignorant ad hominem attacks written by the digital equivalent of the nasty troll living under the bridge. Hence the word trollents as in, he had nothing useful to add to the conversation so he simply slammed the author with a couple of trollents.
     From the website of the same name, breitbart is a verb meaning to racialize, cuckify or otherwise demonize liberals, progressives or members of the establishment. As in, James breitbarted his opponent by repeatedly calling him a snowflake. See also “bannoned.”
     The act of transforming the political system into one dominated by celebrities rather than those skilled in the political arts. Most recently evidenced by the speculation of a 2020 faceoff between Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey. Example in use: “Homer Simpson’s entry into the race represents the nadir of the celebrification of Washington.”
     A mash-up of “con” and “moniker” gives us “coniker” which means a nasty nickname created to demean or belittle someone. Although conikers have been around for centuries (think Julius the Jerk or Stupid Socrates), Donald Trump is the acknowledged current master with negative gems like Low-energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary and Sloppy Steve.
     If you kill your mother, that’s matricide. Murder a man? That’s homicide. So what do you call it when someone deliberately tries to end the life of an entire nation state? How about statumcide? “Given the antidemocratic and regressive actions of President Trump, he may be guilty of statumcide.”  See also “countrycide.”
     2018’s new acronym is pronounced “aye-eh-o.” It’s derived from the statement “artificial intelligence expedites inhuman order” and signifies the end of the reign of homo sapiens and the ultimate victory of the robots. It can even be pronounced letter by letter which echoes the children’s song “Old Macdonald Had a Farm” which pretty soon will have no human beings and no Mr. Macdonald. 

Saturday, January 27, 2018

The Art of the Lie

Here's an excerpt from my new book Donnie's First Year now available on Amazon.ca:
     Donald Trump is known for a number of books including The Art of the Deal and Trump: The Art of the Comeback. I’m offering my services as a ghostwriter for his next volume: The Art of the Lie:
Believe in your own lies
     This is perhaps the most important rule in The Art of the Lie. After all, how are you going to get others to believe your fictions if you don’t believe them yourself? Even if you think what you’re saying might be a lie, convince yourself otherwise by telling yourself that even if it’s not true, it sure sounds true, feels true and should be true.
Never retract, never apologize
     No matter how many people accuse you of lying and no matter the weight of the evidence against you, don’t admit that you lied. First-time liars often make the rookie mistake of conceding that their statement was false and then apologizing. Even if you happen to get caught in a lie, never retract but, if you foolishly do, never, ever apologize.
Double down and repeat
     This seems counterintuitive but it’s a sure-fire winner. Even when your lie is a fantastic whopper (e.g. – huge Inauguration crowd), you’ll be surprised at how well it works when you expand on it (e.g. – biggest Inauguration crowd ever) and then repeat it over and over. Much to your surprise, folks will then either believe it or just give up in frustration.
The “Big Lie” is the best
      It was Adolph Hitler or Joseph Goebbels who created this one. Basically, you come up with a lie that plays to people’s prejudices and is so outrageous that they want to believe it. You don’t have to be a fan of neo-Nazis to recognize that some of those old-tyme Nazis knew what they were talking about.
Keep your opponents off balance
     Sometimes you’ll find yourself under attack from all sides and it looks like your lie will fail. That’s the time to start asserting the exact opposite and then stand by both contradictory statements. Your adversaries will be so confused they’ll probably just throw in the towel.
I’m rubber, you’re glue
     Attack the attacker. When your opponent tries to undermine your lie with a surfeit of facts, start making false accusations about them. A perfect example is to call the media “fake news.” Name-calling like that forces them to spend all their time denying it.
Threaten lawsuits
     Threaten lawsuits against those challenging your lies. Nobody likes to be sued and most people can’t afford a good lawyer. Usually there’s no need to actually pursue such suits. The mere threat of legal action will generally make most truth-obsessed folks back off.
Exaggeration = glorification
     You’re not just smart; you’re the smartest. You’re not just rich; you’re the richest. If you’re going to lie, there’s no reason to hold back. Just remember, lie big or go home.
Keep adding to your list of lies
     Don’t be a wimp. Just because you’ve lied every day for the last thousand days, don’t stop lying just because you feel you’ve overdone it. The more lies the merrier. Critics will eventually tire of trying to keep track of all your falsehoods and will often concede defeat.
Employ surrogates
     If you can afford to, hire a bunch of flunkies to repeat and spread your lies. The more times people hear your lies coming from the mouths of different people, the more likely they’re going to believe them. And don’t worry if your stand-in gives up and quits; there are always more toadies ready to carry the can for you.
Don’t fear the oath
     There may come a time when you have to testify about your lies under oath. So what? It’s just an oath. Keep lying unless it looks like there’s a chance you’ll be charged with perjury. At that point, don’t forget to “take the Fifth.” 

Sunday, January 21, 2018

No Fat Chicks

    Although Donald Trump was publicly dismissive of a presidential run by Oprah Winfrey, the following leaked memo suggests he may be taking such a possibility far more seriously than he lets on:

TO:        President Donald Trump

FROM:  Campaign 2020
     Further to your recent request, we have investigated the possibility of an Oprah Winfrey candidacy in 2020 and have developed a comprehensive strategy to defeat her should she win the Democratic nomination.
     First of all, she is clearly unqualified to be president. As you well know, the fact that she is a billionaire businesswoman, a successful TV personality and a marketing wizard when it comes to exploiting her own name count for nothing when it comes to running the nation.
     Being president requires actual experience doing presidential things and, by our count, you have a full year under your belt doing just that. Even discounting your TV viewing and golf outings, you still have at least several months of presidential experience and she has none, zip, nada. Advantage: Team Trump.
     Our research has revealed that Ms. Winfrey reads an enormous amount and could easily be attacked as a “book lover” and possibly an “intellectual.” Apparently she even had a book club on her TV show. Although you have “written” several books, you have never been accused of reading books. Score one for us.
     Although it’s a bit of a long shot, we think that you should consider your old “Obama strategy” when it comes to Oprah. In short, she does not qualify to be president because she wasn’t born in the United States. After all, she was born in Mississippi and our research shows that Mississippi wasn’t even part of the U. S. from 1861 to 1865. Under the newly created legal doctrine status illegitimus or illegitimate state, no Mississippian qualifies as a natural born citizen.
     Ms. Winfrey will undoubtedly tout her success as a television talk show host but clearly she cannot match your success with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. Plus, unlike you, she has to answer for creating both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz whereas you’re only responsible for Omarosa.
     If it should ever come to a debate between you and Oprah, you will win hands down, regardless of the respective size of your hands. She is a Chicago gal, Chicago being the second city. You, on the other hand, are from the great city of New York. Even if you couldn’t make it there, you did make it anywhere, namely Washington, D. C.
     Your name prominently appears on countless buildings including the iconic Trump Tower as well as a multitude of championship golf courses. We have yet to locate one building or country club named for Oprah.
     If we have to play dirty, you’ve got a huge edge on her. Contrast your sterling reputation with her lengthy record of scandal including James Frey’s book, the hamburger panic and palling around with Harvey Weinstein.
     Finally, don’t forget your political genius and, in particular, your uncanny knack for creating devastating nicknames. We’ll leave it to you, sir, to come up with another classic zinger but might we suggest one of the following: Black Rosie, Obama Pal, “O”Yeah?, No Fat Chicks and Oprah Winfrey? More like Oprah Losefrey!
    We look forward to the presidential race in 2020 and await your further instructions. Please confirm whether or not you wish us to continue our investigations into Mark Cuban, The Rock and Homer Simpson as your possible next opponent.